I Once Was Lost

(Recently I’ve been bothered by religious groups coming to the door and asking about our preferences, so to speak. I work a third shift and it has gotten to the point where they begin timing my awake hours vs. my sleep hours and sometimes showing up minutes after I’ve gotten out of bed, usually too groggy to fight back. Finally fed up with it, my older sister and I decide to have some fun with them.)

Religious Person: “Hello. We were wondering if you’ve found Jesus yet?”

Me: *dead stare* “Found? You mean you LOST him!? Oh, my god; he’s missing?! SIS!! JESUS IS MISSING!”

Sister: ” OH, NO, NOT AGAIN!”

Me: “Get the dogs! We’re going out looking for him!”

Sister: “I’ve got the helicopters on standby!”

(The two at the door are now noticeably weirded out and are backing away as

I reach out and grab the arm of one of them.)

Me: “You help, too! We gotta find him!”

Religious Person: “Uh, no, we’re just… going to go now…”

(They both hurried away, actually leaving skid marks as they drove off. We never saw those particular two again.)