I Once Knew A Woman Who…

As a healthcare worker and, you know, a relatively intelligent human being, I have done my absolute best to stick to the “rules” throughout the many lockdowns. I am shopping for some fruit and veg, and have thoroughly sanitised my hands and basket, donned gloves, and am keeping my 1.5m away from everyone.

At the checkout, I am just exchanging a couple of words with the cashier when a fly buzzes past my open mouth and I manage to inhale the thing. I instantly start involuntarily coughing and choking, and before I can drop my shopping and get my face into my elbow where it belongs, I let out two massive coughs all in the direction of the cashier.

Between coughing and trying to breathe, I attempt to talk.

Me: “Oh, my God, I am so sorry! I just inhaled a fly! I’m sorry!”

I notice the five other people waiting nearby who are looking at me like I have the plague.

Me: “I’m so sorry! I inhaled a fly!”

I grabbed my shopping and ran away into the open space of the car park to finish my revolting coughing spell and hope the fly would come out with it. Gross.