I Now Pronounce You Man, Wife, And Overbearing Mother

, , , , , | Related | June 7, 2020

My boyfriend grew up in a household with no boundaries and as such, no privacy. If you put a passcode on your phone, it was taken away. If you locked your door, the door was removed — except his parents’ bedroom, which probably explains why he has seven siblings. If you didn’t give every conceivable detail about where you were going when you left the house, you didn’t go.

One day, shortly after we start dating, we are watching a movie in their living room and I have to tell three of his siblings that they cannot just pick up my phone and look for games. Each time, they reply with something along the lines of, “It’s only a problem if there’s something to hide.”

I am getting more upset by the moment, so my boyfriend suggests going to the mall. We say goodbye to everyone but his mother swipes his car keys from his hand.

Mother: “Where are you going?”

Boyfriend: “[My Name] and I are going to the mall.”

Mother: “Who else?”

Boyfriend: “Nobody.”

Mother: “What stores?”

My boyfriend lists a few stores.

Mother: “How long will you be gone?”

Boyfriend: *Shrugs* “Two hours maybe.”

His mother looks at her watch.

Mother: “Be back in an hour. Dinner is [three hours from now].”

Me: “That’s barely enough time to get out there and back. “

His mother starts walking away with the keys.

Mother: “Then don’t go.”

I stand there, dumbfounded. My boyfriend goes and talks to her, convincing her that we can go for two hours if we take two of his youngest — and in my opinion, most annoying — siblings. I wanted to go to spend some time with him without them, but I relent because two siblings are easier to manage than all seven.

Boyfriend: “Don’t take her personally. She just likes to know what’s going on.”

Me: “I’m not taking it personally, but I do need some privacy.”

Ten-Year-Old: “Mommy says if you need privacy, you’re a sinner.”

I laugh quietly to myself.

Thirteen-Year-Old: “What?”

Me: “I guess I’m—”

Boyfriend: “Don’t do it.”

We spend the maximum time we can at the mall, coming home right at the two-hour mark. When we come back, I have to use the bathroom. I go in, close the door, and sit on the toilet. Less than five seconds later, the door flies open. His mother stands there, staring me down as I try to cover myself with my shirt.

Mother: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Peeing?”

His mother eyes me suspiciously.

Mother: “Don’t close the door.”

Instead of using the bathroom, I get up and leave. On my way out the door, my boyfriend stops me.

Boyfriend: “Hey. What’s wrong?”

Me: “Your mother just told me I couldn’t pee with the door closed.”

Mother: “If you have to close the door to do something, you shouldn’t do it!”

Me: “Even the bathroom?”

Boyfriend: “You get used to it.”

Me: “No, I don’t think I will.”

He called me later that night, upset that I had left over such a “stupid thing.” I told him it wasn’t stupid and people should have a small amount of privacy, even if it’s just two minutes in the bathroom. He said I was overreacting and told me I should apologize. I broke up with him, instead.

This story has been included in our June 2020 roundup as one of that month’s most memorable stories!

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