I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 6

(I work as a food runner for a hospital. My job requires me to wear a tuxedo. One day after work, I stop by a nearby dollar store to get a soda. I’m sitting on the bench outside the store drinking my soda when a fancy car pulls up right in front of me. A man gets out and walks around the car.)

Man: “Ahem.”

(I look up at him and see he’s looking right at me, but I don’t do anything.)

Man: *louder* “Ahem!”

Me: “What?”

Man: “You incompetent moron! Do you need to be told how to do your job?”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

Man: “That’s it, you’ve just lost your tip. Now get over here and park my car.”

(I realized he must think I’m a valet because I’m still wearing my tux.)

Me: “I don’t work here, dude. Leave me alone.”

Man: “You will address me as ‘sir’, and you will do your job right now, or I will go into that store, find your manager and have you fired for your unprofessional behavior. Look at you, drinking cola while you’re on the job! It’s because of people like you that our economy is collapsing!”

Me: “Listen, a**hole, I already told you I don’t work here. Leave me alone and park your own d*** car.”

Man: “That does it, I’m going to find your manager! You’ll be standing in line at the soup kitchen this time next week!”

(He locks his car door and storms into the store. About five minutes later, he returns with the store manager, pointing furiously at me.)

Man: “There, you see? That’s the valet who refused to park my car and insulted me! I demand that you fire him immediately!”

(The manager looks at him like he’s insane.)

Manager: “Sir, we don’t have valets. He doesn’t work here.”

Man: “I don’t want to hear your excuses! You will fire that man immediately!”

Manager: “I told you already, that guy doesn’t work for us. This is [Store].”

Man: “Have you all lost your minds? You think that because Obama’s in the White House that you can get away with not showing me the respect I deserve? You think Obama will save you after people like you destroy this country?”

(The man rants about President Obama and the “destruction of American values” for a good two minutes. The manager is too stunned to say anything. Finally the man gets back in his car and drives away. The manager looks at me and I just shrug.)