I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 25

, | Right | July 28, 2017

(I work as a manager of a popular pop culture/alternative merchandise store. I have changed into street clothes before leaving work but because of my facial piercings and vivid blue hair, I’m still easily recognizable. I am in the produce aisle.)

Girl: “I’m really sorry sir. I’ve never heard of the kind of lettuce you are looking for.”

Customer: “What the h***? I bought it here last week!” *throwing his hands up in the air* “You are useless. Get a manager. Now!”

Girl: “Yes, sir!” *she scurries away*

Customer: *turning toward me and snapping his fingers* “You! You work here!”

Me: “Uh… I manage [Popular Store].”

Customer: “What the h*** are you hiring these idiots for? Stupid girl doesn’t even know what agule lettuce is.” *he stares at me* “Well, are you going to find it for me or not?”

Me: “I’m not a manager at this store. Why are you asking me about staff and products of a store I don’t manage? I don’t work here.”

Customer: “Of course you work here. I had to deal with you last week when one of your other idiots couldn’t find a gluten-free malt vinegar!”

Me: “No, you dealt with me at [Popular Store] because you knocked over one of my displays and I had to call security to escort you out.”

Customer: “Whatever. I’m going to call your boss and tell him about your s***ty customer service. Now find my agule lettuce!”

(At this point, a manager has rushed over with the stock girl.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem here, sir?

Customer: “Ugh, finally!” *glaring at me* “Apparently, it takes a man around here to get something done. I’m looking for the agule lettuce that I bought here last week and two of your idiot employees don’t seem to know your inventory well enough to find it.” *motioning towards me* This stupid b**** isn’t even in uniform. Now how about you helping me out, chief?”

(The manager is a big man and he gets in the customer’s face and starts poking the customer in the shoulder.)

Manager: “First, you do not call my employees idiots or yell at them. Second, you do not call my customers names. Third, we do NOT stock anything called agule lettuce and we never have. So this is what I’m going to do for you. You are going to apologize to these ladies and then leave the store. Once you leave, you are going to find out what you actually need and come back to buy it like a reasonable human being. Barring your ability to do that, I will personally throw your scrawny a** out the door myself. How about that for customer service — chief?”

Customer: *gone pale* “But– I… I’m sorry ladies.”

Manager: “That’s better. Now don’t come back until you actually know what you are looking for.”

(The customer literally runs out the door. The manager smiles at his stock girl and sends her on break.)

Manager: *to me* “Sorry about that.”

Me: “Oh he does this all the time at my store. I had him banned last week when he wanted to buy a ‘Mail Order Brides’ t-shirt and my new cashier had no idea what he was talking about. He knocked over a button display when she said she thought he might mean ‘Black Veil Brides’ so I called security.”

Manager: “He did the same thing here last week trying to buy gluten-free malt vinegar. He didn’t know that it doesn’t come gluten free, ya know, since it is made from barley.” *he starts laughing* “I just realized what he is looking for…”

Me: “Yeah?”

Manager: “Arugula lettuce. I sold it to him last week under cost just to get him to shut up and get out. How the h*** do you get ‘agule’ from arugula?”

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