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I DEFINITELY DO NOT WORK HERE

, , , , , | Romantic | CREDIT: tamiraisredditing | June 24, 2021

I am studying in the park by my house one afternoon when a cute guy around my age, wearing a sweatshirt from my college, sits down directly next to me. I think that’s kind of odd, especially during a global health crisis, so I kind of scooch in the other direction.

Guy: “So… hi, I’m… I’m [Guy].”

He’s all stuttery and not making eye contact. I think it’s so sweet that he is this nervous to talk to me, so I take the bait.

Me: “Oh, well, hi, I’m [My Name].”

Guy: “Oh. That’s a really pretty name. I never would’ve guessed that would be your name.”

There is a long awkward pause as I try to think what I could say in response to that.

Guy: “So, uh, how about a walk? Around the park?”

I think, “That’s really gutsy to ask, but you know what? I kind of like that.” So, I say sure and pack up my books and off we go. I figured it is the middle of the day and we’re surrounded by other people, so, worst-case scenario, I can always ditch him if things feel shady.

As we walk, he makes more nervous small talk. I tell him some stuff about my interests and background, asking him about his.

Guy: “Wow, I didn’t expect you to actually tell me so much about yourself.”

I’m not sure how to feel about that, but all right.

Guy: “Should I just, should I tell you a little more about me, then? Because it is almost 3:00 pm.”

I figure maybe he has to go somewhere by 3:00 and I missed him mentioning it.

Me: “Sure, tell me everything I should know about you.”

I figure the whole experience to this point has been like a fairy book or sitcom so I should just keep rolling with it.

Guy: “Maybe we should have this conversation at your place.”

Uh… I thought asking me, a total stranger, to stop what I was doing and take a walk with him was gutsy. I think what he just said was sleazy. At best.

I kind of nervously chuckle as I look for non-confrontational outs to the situation.

Me: “Ahaha, we’re definitely not going to my place.”

Guy: “Oh. Okay. Sure, fine. I didn’t mean where you live, necessarily; I just meant the place, wherever it is we’re going. I’m sure you’ve got something all worked out. Anyway, I can start telling you… uh… about myself now, sure.”

He kind of looks around to see if other people are listening.

Guy: “See, I’m really more of an a** kind of guy. I have a major spanking fetish. So, if you’ve got any short skirts or—”

Uh… AAAHHHHHHHH! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAAAAAT?! Forget the non-confrontational exit.

Me: *Instinctively* “Stop. This conversation is over.”

I turn to hightail it into the nearest store. The guy runs after me.

Guy: “Wait, what? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to— I’m sorry! The ad said you were cool with kinks and stuff, so I just thought… Wow, I’m sorry.”

All right, that slows me down. Did he just say, “ad”? He’s stopped near me now, catching his breath.

Guy: “Again, I’m so sorry, and look, this may not be the best time to ask this, but am I still gonna be charged? Like for the full time? Even if you’re leaving?”

It took a second to figure out, but to make a long story short, this poor guy was experiencing a touch of lockdown loneliness, so he went and hired a call girl off of some personals section online.

She’d told him she’d be there in the park wearing an identical graphic tee to mine, and we apparently have very similar features because she’d described a similar height, build, hair, and eye color to mine.

Once we got everything worked out, he was especially apologetic and begged me not to speak of the encounter ever again in case we know anyone in common.

I’m going to do my best to keep that promise; instead, I’m posting about it under the cloak of Internet anonymity because — oh, my God — I just had to tell someone.

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