How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 16

(I’d been receiving a series of scam phone calls asking for access to my infected Windows PC. I only have a Mac! One day, I finally have enough.)

Caller: “Hello, I am with Computer Security. We have detected a virus on your PC computer. Please follow my instructions so we can fix the problem.”

Me: “A virus? Oh, no! That sounds serious. Okay, what do I do?”

Caller: “Are you at your computer?”

Me: “No, let me walk over there.”

(I wait two minutes, just sitting in my chair.)

Me: “Okay, I’m at my computer.”

Caller: “Now, click on the Start Menu.”

Me: “My computer is off.”

Caller: “Turn it on, please.”

(I wait three minutes, just sitting in my chair.)

Me: “Okay, it’s on.”

Caller: “Click the Start menu.”

Me: “Start, start, start. Hmm. Looking… Looking…”

(The call goes along this way, and with each step I gradually slow down more and more. I also start to throw random nonsense words into my replies:)

Me: “I’m at the start menu. I type fluffin now?”

Caller: “I will tell you the command. Are you ready?”

Me: “Oh, type I fluffin. Barg.”

(I gradually pick up a sing-song tone until I’m sounding more like the Swedish Chef than myself.)

Me: “Floofin flargin byargin!”

(At long last, after several minutes of attempting to get me to follow his instructions, the scam caller loses his patience. I’ll never forget his parting words:)

Caller: “You are WASTING my TIME!”

(Exactly.)