How To Train Your Dragon Of A Mother
A customer walks up to the customer service desk and asks to speak to a manager. When he comes over, the customer tells him:
Customer: “Hi. I’m going to be shopping here in just under an hour with my mother. I usually help her do all her shopping online, because she’s just an awful customer. I mean, really bad. This time, I have to bring her in because she needs a dress and needs to try a few on, so online shopping wasn’t working for her.”
Manager: “Okay, thanks for the warning, but I don’t understand. Are you asking us for anything?”
Customer: “Yes, I’ve told my mother that if she gets up to her regular antics, the store will ban her. I don’t know what your policies are, but I’d like you to ban my mother if she misbehaves. Ah, who am I kidding, when she misbehaves.”
Manager: “You’d like us to ban your mother?”
Customer: “Yes. For life. It’s the only way she’ll learn. This way, when she acts up again in other stores, I can say to her, “Do you want to be banned forever, like you are from [This Store]?” I’m sorry that your store has to be the one to take the hit for her to learn a lesson, but it had to be somewhere.”
Manager: “Well, we do have a policy of banning customers who abuse our staff, but they have to be pretty extreme to earn a lifetime ban.”
Customer: “I’m pretty sure my mother will qualify. Anyway, you’ve been warned. I’ll be back soon. Remember, don’t let her get away with it.”
She leaves, and my manager and I share a look. We agree that since I’m a veteran worker, I’ll be the one to handle them if/when they come back in.
True to her word, the customer is back in fifty minutes, with an older woman in tow. She’s looking around the store scornfully. I approach both women and offer my help.
Me: “Can I help you find anything specific, ladies?”
Customer’s Mother: *Looking me up and down.* “We need dresses for a wedding this summer. We want someone qualified to help.”
Me: “I’ve been working here for over ten years, so I am qualified to help most customers. Please follow me to see our selection of dresses.”
Customer’s Mother: “Lead on, then, but a little less lip from you.”
Customer: “Mom, she’s just telling us she can help! Stop… being you!”
Customer’s Mother: “I don’t see anything wrong with having higher standards! Honestly, [Customer’s Name], if you had them for yourself, you’d be married or promoted by now.”
I quickly walk them over to our extensive dress collection and highlight a few examples that would be good for a summery wedding.
Me: “This selection is our formalwear, while this selection is a little lighter for hotter weather, and the florals—”
Customer’s Mother: “No, no, no! This is for a wedding! A real one, at a classy venue! I wouldn’t expect you to understand what a real wedding requires, which is why I stressed when I walked in that I wanted someone qualified. Please go fetch someone who knows what real women need to wear at such events.”
Customer: “Mom! That’s uncalled for!”
Customer’s Mother: “This little girl is showing us simple dresses that I wouldn’t even let the maids wear! She obviously knows nothing about real elegance. She needs to fetch someone with more seniority!”
Luckily for her, I’ve done just that. My manager has come over, and one look from me indicates that this customer’s mother is really going to be as much trouble as the customer had foretold.
Manager: “How can I help?”
Customer’s Mother: “No, not a man. I need a woman of seniority to assist us!”
Manager: *Gesturing to me.* “[My Name] is the most senior of our saleswomen working today.”
Customer’s Mother: “I need someone who has more experience wearing dresses than at a cheap hotel waiting for their next client.”
The customer, my manager, and I all stop and stare at each other for a shocked moment. The customer starts nodding, almost mouthing “now”.
Manager: “Ma’am, that was rude, vulgar, and uncalled for. I speak for all staff here when I say we would not be comfortable serving customers who speak to our staff that way. You need to leave.”
Customer’s Mother: “Ex-cuse me?! Who do you think you are, speaking to me like that? Get the store manager!”
Manager: “I am the store manager, ma’am. If you don’t leave right this instant, you will be banned.”
Customer’s Mother: “I refuse to believe that a pathetic image of a man such as yourself is the manager of this entire store! Get me the real boss!”
Manager: “Okay, that’s it. You’re banned, ma’am. Leave now, or I will be forced to call security. Your daughter is welcome to stay if she wishes.”
Customer: *To her mother.* “Come on, Mom, time to go. You’ve done it now.”
The customer takes her mother by the arm and starts escorting her toward the exit.
Customer’s Mother: “No! They can’t do that! It’s not fair that you get to stay and I’m forced to leave!”
Customer: “Well, that’s because I’m able to go shopping without being so unlikeable.”
Customer’s Mother: *As they walk out the door.* “Well, that’s different! Everyone likes you because you’re so nice to them!”
