How To Fail Upward
Good news! My shift ends early today! Bad news! It finishes early because this afternoon I have my end-of-year review, and those are about as fun as they sound.
I’m at the checkout and an older lady is placing her items on the conveyor. She hands me a packet of cookies.
Customer: “This packaging is all wrong. It’s usually blue, but they’ve made it all red!”
Me: “Yes, they sometimes change their packaging. I know it can be confusing sometimes when you’re looking for it on the shelves.”
Customer: “I don’t care about how it looks on your shelves, I care about how it looks on my shelves! My kitchen was covered in an interior design magazine, and I won the Best Pantry award! I can’t have the red packaging!”
Me: “So, you don’t want the cookies, ma’am?”
Customer: “No, I do! But I want the blue packaging.”
Me: “Unless there is some older stock on the shelves, I’m afraid we will only have the red packaging for that item, ma’am.”
Customer: “Unacceptable! I need this in blue!”
Me: “I don’t know how you expect me to make that happen, ma’am.”
Customer: “Just go get a blue one! Think of my pantry!”
Me: “I can call for someone to check the back for you, ma’am, but I buy those cookies myself and I haven’t seen them in blue for a while.”
Customer: “So you’ve taken all the blue ones!”
Me: “What? I… no, ma’am, that’s not what I am saying.”
Customer: “Manager!”
Me: “I…?”
Customer: *Shrieking loud enough for all to hear.* “Manager!”
A manager comes over and asks what the problem is.
Customer: “Your cashier here has taken all the blue [brand] cookies for her own pantry! She wants my pantry to look ugly!”
My manager just blinks at her, and then looks at me hopefully.
Manager: “[My Name]?”
I explain the situation as best as I can without making the old lady sound insane. I don’t think I was successful.
Manager: “[My Name] has explained the situation, ma’am. That brand switched to the red packaging a few months ago and we have no control over that.”
Customer: “Then you need to punish your cashier! She stole all the blue cookies!”
Me: “No… I—”
Customer: “Fire her!”
Manager: “Okay, ma’am, the customer is always right.”
My manager turns to me.
Manager: “[My Name], from this moment forth you’re no longer a cashier at this store.”
The customer looks smug and satisfied.
Manager: “I was going to wait until your end-of-year review later to tell you this, but from this point on, you’re a supervisor. Congratulations on the promotion!”
Customer: “Wait… what?! You’re rewarding her?”
Manager: *Ignoring the customer.* “As a supervisor, you now have the authority to deal with—” He waves dismissively at the customer. “—this.”
My manager scuttles away leaving the customer to just look at me. I simply stare back and then hold out her item.
Me: “Cookie?”
She stomped off leaving behind her items. It was worth it.
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