How To Cancel Death

(I work guest relations for a large hotel chain. One of my duties is to cancel advanced purchase reservations, which have a non-refundable clause.)

Me: “Guest relations, my name is [name]; how may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I want to cancel my reservation.”

Me: “What is the confirmation number?”

(I pull up the account, and run the customer’s membership club information for case history.)

Caller: “Yes. My wife died suddenly, so I cannot make this reservation.”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry to hear about your loss, sir. Let me see what I can do for you. Since this is an advanced purchase, we would need a copy of your wife’s death certificate to verify her passing. I’m so sorry to ask for this.”

Caller: “It will be after the funeral that I can get that to you, but that is after the 24th.”

(The reservation is for the 24th this month.)

Me: “I see. May I place you on hold for a moment while I look into some options with the hotel?”

(After placing him on hold, I review past case history, noticing a lot of cancellations of advanced purchases. One thing seems common. They’re all for wives. All fairly recent, as well.)

Me: “Sir? Yes, thank you for holding. Sir, how many wives do you have?”

Caller: “WHAT!? WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME SUCH A QUESTION!? WHY WOULD YOU DISHONOR MY WIFE!?”

Me: “Well, you see, in looking up your membership information, I see that in the last six months you have cancelled eight advance purchase reservations, all of them stating your wife passed away. So how many wives do you have?”

Caller: “This is absurd! I want your manager!”

Me: “I am a case manager, sir, and I am not going to cancel this reservation, nor ask the hotel to honor a cancellation without you providing a death certificate. If she really has passed, then I certainly apologize and am very sorry for the loss, but unless you have been remarried seven times in the last six months, your wife has either passed away previously, and not suddenly as you claimed. Would you like our mailing address so that you can send in a copy of the death certificate?”

Caller: *hangs up*