How Do I (In)Put This Gently

I worked as a phone tech support for a well-known and expensive computer company named after a kind of fruit.

One day, a lady called in and stated her new computer “wasn’t doing anything.”

Me: “Is the unit powering up?”

Caller: “Oh, it is, but it’s not doing anything.”

Me: “Is the screen lit or dark?

Caller: “I can see the screen alright, but it’s not doing anything.”

So, I started on a number of things: mouse moves the cursor, sounds play, applications open, keyboard works… each time I’m met with:

Caller: “Oh, that works, but it’s not doing anything.”

Finally, I asked:

Me: “What exactly are you attempting to have the computer do?”

Caller: “I’m not trying to make the computer do anything, but the man at the store said it’d surf the web for me, do my taxes for me, type a letter for me, that kind of thing.”

She seriously expected to turn the unit on and watch it just do things for her without any input on her part.

Me: *Gently explaining.* “Ma’am, the computer is a tool and needs to be told what you want it to do with the keyboard and mouse.”

I talked about clicking on things, what programs are, and so on. She listened for a minute or two, paused, then said:

Caller: “So… what should I do with it?”

I have never been so tempted with so many ways I could respond and get fired. I finally suggested she take some classes or write down the things she wants to do with the computer, and then take it to a store so they can direct her to what software to buy.