How Did THAT Get Married?

An older couple has been shopping in the clothing section for a while. While his wife is in the fitting room, I find myself standing there with the husband.

Me: “I hope you’re both finding everything you need today.”

Husband: “Yeah, but this store is really going downhill.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. What issues are you experiencing?”

Husband: “Well, for one, none of you girls working here are young! You’re all in your forties! I want pretty young girls waiting on me when I shop!”

Me: *Disgusted.* “Well, that’s not something that affects your ability to shop here and find the items you need, so I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.”

Husband: “It does affect my ability! If I can’t find something I want a pretty girl to find it for me! I know I’m never gonna get to f*** her, but this way I still get her to do what I want.”

I pause a moment, giving my brain time to process those words and determine if he really did just say them out loud, or if I imagined the whole thing. Turns out, I’m awake and lucid, so I decide if he can talk like that, then so can I.

Me: “That’s okay, you human equivalent of the hair and gunk at the bottom of the shower drain. None of us would touch you even if we were hookers with herpes.”

The look on his face was priceless. His wife could hear everything from her fitting room, and she couldn’t stop laughing.