How Can I Offend Thee, Let Me Count The Ways

(My best friend’s thirteen-year-old sister has autism. I stop at a bookstore to find a book for her. My best friend, his sister, and I get out of the car.)

Customer: “Hey!”

(We look up as we enter the store. This customer is coming toward us, clearly angry. He slaps my best friend in the face.)

Best Friend: “What the h*** was that for?!”

Customer: “Oh, so, you act all innocent? I know what you’re doing.”

Best Friend: “Dude, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Customer: “Parking in the disabled space, you piece of s***! You really think you wouldn’t get caught eventually?”

Me: “It’s a mistake.”

Customer: “D*** right, it’s a f****** mistake! You aren’t disabled!”

Me: “So, people with autism aren’t allowed in handicapped spaces because they don’t look disabled?”

Customer: “Oh, f*** off!”

Best Friend: “My sister has autism.”

(The customer looks at my sister, who’s looking off in another direction.)

Customer: “Nice rack.”

Me: “I’m getting security. She’s thirteen.”

Customer: “Nice rack. I’d have her if she wasn’t [ableist slur].”

(Security arrested him and we got on with shopping another day.)