Hooked Only On You

(I’m on my way home after taking a day trip with a friend and her family. Her three kids are in the back seat; my kid’s beside me in the middle. All four of them have fallen asleep, and we’ve just reached the outskirts of our town, so I call my husband.)

Husband: “Hello?”

Me: “Hey, lover. We just hit [intersection], so you’ve got about five minutes to clean up the booze and kick out the hookers.”

Husband: “Aw, man! Candy just got here.”

Me: “I don’t know if I’m up for a threesome tonight, love. I mean, unless she’s really hot.”

Husband: *finally losing it* “Are you seriously saying all this in front of the kids?”

Me: “What? They’re asleep.”

Husband: “Still…”

Me: “It’s not like they’d understand yet, anyway.”