Hold Your Breath For Crazy Cat Lady

(I am working as an emergency room veterinarian and stop at a 24-hour grocery store near my house on my way home after work, still wearing my scrubs, at about 3 am.)

Me: *gets in the checkout line behind a woman, the only other customer*

Woman: *turns to me* “Are you a nurse? My cousin’s a nurse!”

Me: “What? Oh, no, I’m actually a veterinarian.”

Woman: “Oh, that’s so wonderful! That means you get to work with cats! That must be the best job in the world, because you get to be with cats all day. I bet you love your job!”

Me: *crazy cat lady alarm bells going off* “It can be pretty rewarding, yeah.”

Woman: “Cats are just the best. Well, of course YOU know that. You work with them! Aren’t they just the greatest? They’re just so amazing, the way they breathe!”

Me: “Um… what?”

Woman: “You know, the way they breathe! They breathe for us! They just breathe it in, breathe in all of our negative energy, everything, just breathe it all in and turn it to light! They’re the only animals that breathe for us! You must know that though. I’m sure they teach you that! They must tell you all about how they breathe!”

Me: “Uh… sure?” *looks at the cashier who by this point is trying to get the woman’s attention* “I think the cashier needs you to pay now.”

(The woman pays and leaves, continuing to babble on about cats to me and the cashier.)

Cashier: “Find everything you need?”

Me: “Depends. Do you stock crazy cat lady repellent?”

Cashier: *laughs* “I’ve actually seen crazier while working nights.”

Me: “Sadly, so have I…”