His Story Isn’t Rat-ified

(I am waiting to check in to a small hotel. When I walk up to the front desk, the concierge is answering the phone. The speaker is loud enough that I can follow most of the conversation.)

Concierge: “Hello, front desk.”

Caller: “There’s a squirrel in my room!”

Concierge: “A squirrel in your room? Please be careful, sir. We’ll send someone along right away to remove it.”

Caller: “Better hurry, it’s a big one! It opened the window!”

Concierge: “Sorry, did you say the squirrel was able to open the window?”

Caller: “Yeah, with its little hands!”

Concierge: “You should leave your room right now and we’ll send someone along.”

Concierge: *over the radio* “Security to room [number] to remove a squirrel, please.”

(I check in. As I do so, the concierge is very flustered and apologetic about the squirrel issue.)

Security: *radio* “Uh, front desk, this ain’t a squirrel.”

Concierge: “What? What is it?”

Security: “A raccoon. And the window’s sealed shut.”

(My spouse works in animal control and I know we’re in an area that has a rabies problem, so I feel the need to speak up.)

Me: “There’s a rabies risk here, so you should really call animal control.”

Concierge: “Okay, I’m gonna—”

Security: “Also, this guy’s drunk as s***, and he’s telling me the raccoon is his pet cat.”

Concierge: “F*** it. I’m calling the cops.”

(Luckily, the raccoon was healthy, but the unfortunate hotel guest was deemed drunk, disorderly, and in possession of a local zoo’s stolen raccoon!)

This story is part of our Squirrel roundup!

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