His Account Just Got Axed

Me: “Welcome to [Bank]. This is [Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “This d*** ATM wont give me my money, and now it’s eaten my card! I want you to get it back! NOW!”

Me: “Okay, sir. May I have you member number please?”

(The customer confirms the details.)

Me: “I can see here, sir, that you have used another bank’s ATM, and that you entered the wrong PIN three times?”

Customer: “It’s not my d*** fault I got my cards mixed up. Just get my card back!”

Me: “Unfortunately, sir, we are unable to access that machine for you. It does not belong to our bank, and you have used a machine that is not attached to another bank branch, so the card has been cancelled. I can order a new one straight away, but I need to advise you that there will be a fee.”

Customer: “No. YOU will get my card back right now, or I will go to my car, get my axe, and chop up this machine!”

Me: “Okay, sir. Go ahead.”

Customer: “What, what…? But I said that I’m going to get an axe!”

Me: “I know you did, on someone else’s ATM, so it doesn’t really affect us does it? I should let you know that I have made notes of the threat you just made, though.”

Customer: “I’ll close all my accounts! I’ll go to the branch right now.”

Me: “You WILL close your accounts, sir. And I see from your notes that this was your final warning about threatening behavior. However, I suggest that you don’t approach any branch or staff member again, as you apparently have an axe. The police will be notified the moment you step foot in any of our branches. You will be sent a cheque in the mail. Thank you for calling [Bank].”