Hire Away, Fire Away

| Orlando, FL, USA | Working | May 13, 2013

(I’m the author of this story. My department goes through new hires all the time, as most of them quit within three months due to the physical demands. The crew chief and I are the only original ones left. We’ve just hired a new employee.)

New Hire: “What aisle you want me to start on?”

Crew Chief: “I want you to do aisle nine, which is the cereal aisle. It’s pretty easy; there’s no glass or anything and no tiny little boxes.”

Me: “I’ll start on the far end over by the baking aisle.”

Crew Chief: “Sounds cool. I’ll be on the other end by the paper products and we’ll just kind of work our way toward the middle of the store.”

(We each grab a cart full of products to stock and head for our respective aisles. About two hours later, I’ve finished two complete aisles when the crew chief walks up to me.)

Me: “Where you at right now?”

Crew Chief: “I’m on [three aisles down from where he started].”

Me: “Right on. What about [new hire]? Is he working his way towards my end or your end?”

Crew Chief: “…He’s still on the d*** cereal aisle.”

Me: “What?”

Crew Chief: “I saw that motherf***er just sitting on the ground talking on his phone, with only like four or five empty boxes. He’s still got his whole cart to do.”

Me: “Are you serious?!”

Crew Chief: “Go see for yourself!”

(We walk towards the cereal aisle in the center of the store. The new hire is indeed talking on his phone instead of working and has barely touched his load of boxes.)

Me: “Dude!”

(He looks up at the two of us and goes back to his conversation.)

Crew Chief: “Yo! [New Hire]!”

New Hire: “I’m on the f****** phone!”

Crew Chief: “You ain’t supposed to be on the f****** phone! You’re supposed to be stocking the d*** cereal!”

New Hire: “I’ll do it in a minute! JESUS!”

(The chief and I look resignedly at each other. All we can do is head back to our own aisles. At the end of our shift, six hours later, the chief has finished seven aisles, I’ve finished six, and the new hire is nowhere to be found. It appears as though he’s only about 3/4 of the way through the cereal aisle.)

Me: “Where did that punk go?”

Crew Chief: “I don’t know, but I’m about to whoop his sorry a**.”

Me: “You think he’s in the break room?”

Crew Chief: “Motherf***er shouldn’t need a break. He took a break through the whole shift.”

(We go upstairs to check the break room and find him there, asleep and lying on the lunch table. We decide to wait for the manager to arrive for the morning shift.)

Manager: “How was it last night? Did you get everything stocked?”

Crew Chief: “Yeah, we got everything. But we’re not done straightening the aisles yet.”

Manager: “Why not?”

Me: “We could tell you… but it would be easier just to show you.”

Manager: “Show me what?”

Crew Chief: “We, uh, left you a little present in the break room.”

(The manager eyes us suspiciously but heads back to the break room, as the two of us stand there snickering. Moments later…)


(The new hire half-runs, half-staggers out of the break room, trips, tries to push himself up while leaping forward, smashes head-first into a cardboard candy bar display, gets covered in candy bars and pulls himself up again, only to fall again when the manager throws his phone at him and nails him right between the eyes.)

Me: “How long was that? Two days?”

Crew Chief: “Two days.”

Me: “New record?”

Crew Chief: “New record.”

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