He’s Talking A Load Of Bull(ion)

(I’m picking up a few things near the cash register. A customer walks up to the cashier with a bottle of Goldschlager. He looks like your typical party frat-boy. I overhear his attempt to impress the attractive cashier.)

Customer: “Dude, I love this stuff. It’s so good.”

Cashier: “Yeah, my mom’s a fan too.”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s really awesome. The gold flakes in it cut your throat and your stomach to get the alcohol in you faster, and get you drunk faster.”

(It is now obvious that the cashier is unenthused.)

Cashier: “Is that so?”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s totally why I drink it. It gets you drunk way faster.”

(I can see that the cashier is getting annoyed with the customer’s ‘bro’ attitude, so I speak up.)

Me: “Actually, that’s just an urban legend. Gold is known for its soft malleable properties, so it’s not sharp enough to cut you like that.”

(The customer looks a little flustered.)

Customer: “Well, that’s what I heard!”

Me: “Well it’s wrong. Not to mention, I’m sure the FDA would not approve of the sale of a drink that actually could tear the lining of the stomach and throat to accelerate intoxication. The gold is just a novelty effect.”

(The guy mumbles something, pays for his liquor, and leaves; he is clearly embarrassed. I finish my selection, and go to the cashier to pay.)

Cashier: “Look at you go! Thanks so much for that. I get so tired of idiots thinking I’m impressed with how much they can drink.”

Me: “No problem!”