He’s No Slim Jim

(I’m talking to a regular I’ve known since I was a kid—let’s just call him Jim—who is leaning against our drink counter and drinking a cappuccino. Note: “Jim” is 5’10 and a little over 200lbs, most of which is muscle from working on a logging crew. I notice there’s a smudge on my glasses so I take them off and begin wiping them on my shirt. Right at that moment, a customer walks in. I always greet my customers, so I squint at the person to make them out since I’m not wearing my glasses.)

Me: “Good evening, sir.”

Customer: “Well, you don’t have to give me such a dirty look!”

Me: “What dirty look?”

Customer: “When I walked in the door, you gave me a nasty look as if I was s*** on the bottom of your shoe!”

Me: “No, I was squinting at you ’cause I couldn’t see.” *I point at my glasses* “I’m practically blind without these, and there was something on them. I was cleaning them when you walked in, so I had to squint to see you.”

Customer: “Hmph! You’re just making excuses! You think you’re better than me, but you’re nothing but trash! Only trash works in places like this!”

(At this point, Jim decides to speak up in my defense. Note that Jim has a VERY thick country-boy accent.)

Jim: “You’d better apologize to her right now, mister.”

Customer: “What?! What’d you say?”

(Jim speaks slowly and clearly this time, so that his accent is less apparent.)

Jim: “I said you’d better apologize to her right now.” *crosses his arms over his chest* “If you don’t, I’m gonna put my work boot up your a** and you’re gonna have to have it surgically removed!”

Customer: *turns ash white* “I’m sorry, miss!” *leaves without buying anything*