Her Heart’s Really In It

(This very old lady is calling. She calls every so often and always sounds like she’s ill.)

Me: “Thank you for calling customer support. How may I be of assistance to you?”

Customer: “I am highly upset right now!” *coughs and wheezes* “You people are always messing up my orders! I am a high-paying customer who needs to have their order now. I can’t get into my account.”

Me: “Alright. Have you tried logging in?”

(The line goes silent. I can hear her clicking her computer.)

Customer: “Oh, I feel so ashamed. I can die right now.”

Me: “That’s okay, ma’am. I’m just glad you were able to get in. Is there anything I can do for you?”

Customer: *coughs* “My chest hurts.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I think I’m having a heart attack from all of the shame!”

Me: “Ma’am, you should call the doctors right away!”

(I hear a noise.)

Customer: *coughing and laughing* “Never mind. It was just gas.”

Me: “Well, I’m glad you’re alright, ma’am.”

Customer: “Me too. But I don’t think that my dress is.”