Her Cheese Stick Is Too Mature

(I’m fourteen and up late because I’m finishing an assignment for school the next day. Mum’s watching TV, eating a cheese-stick. She is watching ‘Queer as Folk’. I’m walking up the hallway to get to the kitchen for a drink; it shares a space with the living area.)

Mum:*flails* “No! Stop! You can’t come in here! It’s not suitable!”

Me:“What? Why not?”

(I realise that there’s a lot of grunting and moaning and wet slapping coming from the TV. I wait by bathroom until I get the all clear.)

Mum:*looking comically scandalised* “Okay, you can come in now.”

Me:“How was it?”

Mum:*mournfully, looking down at her snack* “I don’t really know, but it’s put me off my cheese-stick.”