I was a bit of a nightmare patient as a kid. It would take four grown adults to hold me down to get a shot or blood draw.

Then, there was the time I needed my appendix removed and I wasn’t having it. They gave me an anesthetic to knock me out… and I actually FOUGHT IT OFF and refused to go to sleep until the effects finally wore off.

My dad said the doctor told him that in thirty-three years of practicing medicine, he’d never seen someone completely resist an anesthetic.

I saw my dentist last June for a checkup on a Saturday morning. They scheduled the next appointment for a Saturday morning in December. I got three different texts and emails the week before confirming my appointment.

I showed up about ten minutes before my appointment to find the door unlocked and the office completely empty. I tried the emergency on-call number. No one responded. I finally called the police because I didn’t want to leave the office empty and unlocked.

It turned out they had stopped doing Saturday office hours, and they didn’t bother to call me and reschedule. Monday morning they called me because, in their words, I didn’t show up for my appointment. I told them no, I was there; they weren’t.

They couldn’t get me in for an appointment in December before my deductible reset. In fact, they couldn’t find another time that worked for me until August.

I’ll be seeing a new dentist next month.

I was a nurse in a hospital. I had a patient and his name was Mr. [Patient] Comdon. I was explaining his discharge instructions, and before I walked out I said:

Me: “It was a pleasure, Mr. Condom.”

Then, I realized what I said. Neither one of us said a word, and I just walked away as fast as I could.

I’m in hospital for a minor operation. The letter for the appointment asks you to arrive at a specific time and makes it clear that they ask a batch of people to arrive at the same time, and then they see them one by one.

As I go in to be seen, I pass a guy getting stroppy with one of the nurses.

Guy: “I’ve been waiting an hour! When am I going to be seen?”

Nurse: “There are currently three people ahead of you in the queue, but it depends on how long their procedures take.”

Guy: “Can’t I go outside for a smoke?”

Nurse: “You can, but if you aren’t here when we call your name, you will have to go to the bottom of the list.”

A couple of hours later, I’m all done and on my way out, and I pass the same guy again.

Guy: “What do you mean, I’m at the bottom of the list?!”

A patient calls into the doctor’s office where I work.

Patient: “I have an appointment in a couple of hours, but I was wondering… can you write me a doctor’s note for [three days ago]?”

Me: “I see that your appointment is for a small splinter in your hand. Is it infected?”

Patient: “No. But I called off work three days ago for it, and I’m about to lose my job if I don’t get a doctor’s note! So you have to give me one!”

Me: “You called off work three days before your appointment?”

Patient: “My hand was in major pain and I thought it was fractured!”

I was unable to write her the doctor’s note she was requesting, and she screamed at me over it.

It was just a small splinter, not even infected at all. And it’s not like she’d called to make the appointment three days before and couldn’t be seen until today. Apparently, it was MY issue that she called off three days early and was about to lose her job over it.