Literally The Walking Dead

, , , , | Healthy | February 22, 2018

(When I am 20, I trip over a log and twist my ankle. It never heals right, and for years I have pain every time I take a step, stood, or put any weight on my leg. When I am 25, I get medical insurance, and my doctor sends me to a specialist to look at my ankle. It’s December, and this my first meeting with the specialist. The doctor comes in and pulls out the MRI of my ankle. He looks at it and then looks over at me. Then, he looks back at the MRI, and then back at me, with a small crease forming between his eyebrows.)

Doctor: “How do you even walk?”

Me: “Painfully?”

Doctor: “Yeah, you would have been better off breaking your leg. There is a bunch of scar tissue wrapped around the tendons in your ankle, but the real problem is your ankle bone.”

Me: “What’s wrong with it?”

Doctor: “It’s pretty much no longer there.” *he shows me my MRI* “You see that spot on your ankle, the size of a quarter? That is the part of your ankle that is missing.”

Me: “Well… That seems… bad.”

Doctor: “Yeah, if you hit it hard enough, you could just shatter the entire thing.”

Me: “So, what are my options?”

Doctor: “We can either take bone from your hip and use it as a filler to fill the hole, or we can use cadaver bone. I recommend using cadaver bone so that we don’t further damage your skeleton. Unlike organs, we don’t need to really worry about rejection or shortage. Bones are good for up to five years after donation. “

Me: “Ooh, I can be part dead person?”

Doctor: “Yes, we can use cadaver bone.”

Me: “I want dead person!”

Doctor: “Cadaver bone.”

Me: “What is the difference between dead person and cadaver bone?”

(The doctor just looks at me for a minute and then starts to laugh.)

Doctor: “Nothing. Nothing is the difference.”

Me: “I’m going to be part zombie!”

(From then on, he called it dead person bone. I was scheduled to have the surgery at the end of January, but he called me the first week of January to tell me he had found me a fresh dead person to use, instead; apparently, it takes better. So, we moved up my surgery. It’s been eight years now, and I’m virtually pain-free thanks to a wonderful person and their family, who looked past a tragic time in their lives and thought to help others. I like to use my ankle to help start conversations on the importance of donation, and I have let my family know to please donate all parts of me that they can. I hope that one day I get to help someone be part zombie, too.)

Usually The Other Word Autocorrects To Duck

, , , | Healthy | February 22, 2018

My friend has talk-to-text and it is generally okay. Or at least, we’ve all become good at translating. One day we had a limping duck that had a swelling on her foot. Knowing it could be bumblefoot, which is possibly life-threatening even if treated aggressively and quickly, we took a picture of it and sent it to the vet with the following text…

Text: “Dr. [Vet], the following picture is our duck’s foot. We are concerned it might be bumble f***. Please advise treatment. We can get her to the office this afternoon, if needed.”

You Need The Nurses To Come Back

, , , , | Healthy | February 21, 2018

(My husband is admitted to the local Veterans Administration hospital for heart problems. After hours in the ER, he finally gets a bed on the ward. His nurse comes in to introduce himself, check my husband’s vitals, retake history, and so on.)

Nurse: “Is there anything else I can get for you, sir?”

Me: *knowing what’s coming, I silently plead* “Oh, no… Not again.”

Husband: “Yes. Two weeks vacation, a raise, some sanity, and winning lottery tickets, please.”

Nurse: *dryly* “Sorry, sir. You’ll have to see the Travel and Disbursement clerk for those.”

(My husband has been replying that to ANYONE who asks him if they can get him anything — waitstaff, clerks, medical personnel, etc. — for the entire 30 years I have known him. This is the first time I have heard a really good comeback.)

Your Cold Is Not Worth Braving The Cold

, , , | Healthy | February 21, 2018

(I work for a small general practitioner’s office, running the front desk. On this particular day we are having a bad snow and ice storm, leading to a lot of accidents. One doctor calls in that she just isn’t coming in, and the other doctor decides that we will be closing early for the day. The following patient calls in. This is the middle of a very bad flu season, so we are swamped with sick patients.)

Patient: “Good morning. I was hoping to see the doctor today for a cold. It’s not bad but I want to make sure it’s not leading to anything.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we are closing early today because of the weather, but I can put you in tomorrow morning first thing.”

Patient: “What do you mean you’re closing early? I took off today because of the snow, and I decided to see a doctor. Well, fine. If you’re not going to see me, I’m going to an urgent care.”

Me: “That may be your best bet to be seen today, sir. If you would like to come in tomorrow, don’t hesitate to call us.”

Patient: “I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t stay open for me.” *click*

Me: *looking out the window and hearing the radio reports of several large car accidents, to my coworker* “If he called out of work because of the bad weather, why would he expect us to risk our lives for his cold?”

Bag That One For Later

, , , , , , | Healthy | February 20, 2018

(Both the flu and a stomach bug have been going around my sister’s school and about a quarter of the population ends up sick. She ends up going to her nurse with the stomach bug after throwing up in the hallway, and my dad has just come to pick her up.)

Nurse: “Here’s a bag for the car ride home, in case you have to throw up again.”

(A random kid runs in from the hallway, grabs the bag from her hands, and throws up in it.)

Nurse: “Okay, I’ll get you another bag and throw this one away.”

(This repeated two more times with another student who was already in the nurse’s office and one of the history teachers, before my sister finally got her own bag to go home with. We’re all surprised they didn’t just quarantine the entire school at that point.)

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