Your Blood Or Your Wallet

, | Healthy | December 29, 2017

(The phlebotomists in our blood draw station are completely tired of the vampire jokes. They’re just overused. But not wanting to be jerks, and also realizing that the joke is a way for some people to deal with their discomfort over blood draws, our phlebotomists mostly politely laugh. One of our phlebotomists found a way to do one better.)

Patient: “Is this where the vampires are?”

Phlebotomist: “Nah. They’re all down in billing. You here for a blood draw?”

Taking Regular Checkups To The Next Level

, , , | Healthy | December 29, 2017

(We’ve had a horrific week. My toddler came down with chicken pox, then an ear infection. My husband had an accident, causing first, second, and third degree burns all over one hand. I am also seven-months pregnant, and joke that the only thing that HASN’T gone wrong is my going into premature labor.)

Monday Morning: Trip to doctor’s office to confirm chicken pox.

Monday Afternoon: Trip to doctor’s office. We went there instead of the ER for the burn.

Tuesday Morning: Recheck on nasty burn.

Tuesday Afternoon: ‘Well Baby’ check for me.

Thursday Morning: Toddler earache visit.

(We walk into the examination room. A few minutes later, our doctor walks in.)

Doctor: “It’s the [Our Last Name]s! My favorite family!”

There’s A Slight Baby Bump In That Diagnosis

, | Healthy | December 28, 2017

(I am a female in my late 20s. I was in a serious car accident after which some of my organs were damaged and some had to be removed. As a result I am on a cocktail of drugs to keep me functioning. I’ve gone to the doctor’s office as I have been suffering from dizzy spells and sickness, which could be problems with my current medication. I don’t get my usual doctor but this doctor — who is male — seems fairly friendly. He’s asking me questions about what I’m experiencing and is making notes. He has asked about my medication as well, which I’ve told him about, including my hormone replacement ones, but doesn’t ask me why and I don’t volunteer that information.)

Me: “Will I need to come back for tests?”

Doctor: “You won’t. I know what’s wrong”

Me: *somewhat glad* “Oh, really? Is it [Medication Brand]? I was warned—”

Doctor: *shaking his head but smiling warmly* “Oh, no, no, no. Nothing serious. In fact quite a happy diagnosis! You’re pregnant!”

(There’s a pause, whilst he grins at me and I feel myself getting irritated.)

Me: “That’s impossible.”

(He gives me a funny look and gets snappy.)

Doctor: “You’re using something that boosts probability to get pregnant, and you’re shocked. Birth control methods like condoms aren’t 100%, and if you didn’t want to get pregnant I’d suggest you got a coil, which is a bit late now.”

Me: “Did you even look at my notes?”

Doctor: “I don’t need to look to know what this is. Dizziness and sickness are common during early pregnancy.”

Me: “If you did, you’ll see the hormone therapy is because I no longer have my reproductive system.”

(He goes very quiet and turns to his computer.)

Doctor: “There’s a slot open in a fortnight for blood draw. Same time but on Wednesday. Is that okay?”

Me: “Fine.”

(I didn’t get an apology from him. The tests did show that one of my medications is thinning my blood, so with a few tweaks I was feeling okay again. I didn’t get, though, why doctors have full notes but don’t consult them before making a diagnosis. I never wanted kids so I was more annoyed than anything but some would have been devastated with that gaff.)

Building A Wall Between Them And Common Sense

, , , | Healthy | December 28, 2017

(I work for an insurance nurse-line helping people with injury and illness questions. We are required by HIPAA to fully verify a member before discussing any specific issues or giving specific information on their health plan. There have been a number of people who object to HIPAA law, but this one takes the cake. The member in question doesn’t have her ID card on her and doesn’t want to use alternative methods to verify who she is.)

Member: “But I didn’t know I’d need to identify myself. Why can’t you just give me the information I need?”

Me: “Federal privacy law, called HIPAA, does not allow us to discuss or give out information to unauthorized people.”

Member: “But that’s a dumb law and President Trump doesn’t allow dumb laws, so you need to give me the information I asked for!”

Have A Bad Feeling About This

, , , | Healthy | December 28, 2017

I have a regular gynecologist who I’ve been seeing for several years. Usually before she begins the exam, she’ll touch the speculum to my thigh, and move it up my leg, saying ‘Feel this, feel this,’ to get me used to the feel and temperature before she begins the exam. Today, she’s asked me if it’s all right if an intern does my exam while she supervises, and I agree.

The intern is super nervous, and admits to me that I’m the first patient today that’s agreed to it. When she begins the exam, she picks up the speculum and starts tapping it to the side of my knee. “Um, so… You’ll feel this…”

My doctor and I both burst out laughing, and my doctor had to correct her. I hope I didn’t break her confidence!

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