The Babyface Will Get You Every Time

, , , | Healthy | June 14, 2020

I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder as a pre-teen and have been on meds ever since. I’m in my late twenties but have a babyface.

My doctor has just called in a new prescription for me, as I’ve run out of refills. I’m at the pharmacy and the tech has just brought up my meds.

Tech: “Oh, this is a new prescription. You have to do a consult with the pharmacist.”

Me: “That’s not necessary. I’ve been taking this for a long time.”

Tech: “He wants to speak with you. There’s a note here. I’ll be right back.”

He calls the pharmacist, an older man, over. He gives me a look and starts talking to me in a very patronizing tone.

Pharmacist: “Okay, [My Name]. Now, for [Medicine], you have to take this every day. You can’t skip this. Okay? Do you understand? Because—”

Me: “I’m going to stop you right there. I’ve had [Autoimmune Disorder] for fifteen years and have been taking daily meds for it that entire time. I know exactly what [Medicine] does and how sick I get if I don’t take it.”

Pharmacist: “But this is listed as a new prescription. You haven’t taken this before.”

Me: “Yes, I have. I ran out of refills and my doctor called in a new one. I’ve been on the same dosage for years. Check my fill history. Why do I need a consult, anyway? I’ve never needed one before.”

Pharmacist: “Um… [Tech] will get you rung up now.”

He exited. I didn’t see that pharmacist after that.

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Like Taking Candy From A Baby… Or Not…

, , , , , | Healthy | June 13, 2020

While still an infant, I contract rotavirus, an illness that causes severe diarrhea.

In my case, the sickness is severe enough that eating or drinking causes almost immediate diarrhea. I’m taken to the hospital and put on an IV for fluid and nutrients.

I’m absolutely miserable and desperately want something to eat, but I’m not allowed anything to avoid further irritation of my bowels. To try and calm me down, I’m given an empty bottle to suck on.

At one point, a nurse comes in to check on the IV. As she’s adjusting it, I hold up my empty bottle to her and start whining for her to fill it. The nurse takes the bottle and pretends to fill it from the IV and hands it back. I start sucking only to realize I’ve been deceived.

As my mom tells it, I proceed to chuck the bottle across the room in protest.

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That’s Generally Uncomfortable…

, , , , , | Healthy | June 7, 2020

I’m getting a vasectomy, and my doctor asks if I want a local or general anesthetic. Since I have problems with general anesthetics, I opt for the local.

After supposedly numbing the target area, he begins the procedure.

Doctor: “Let me know if you feel anything.”

Me: “I can feel that!”

Doctor: “You were the one that opted for a local anesthetic!”

Me: “You were the one that said to tell you if I felt anything!!”

The next day, a stitch popped and I had some very minor bleeding. I gave his office a call because, you know, that doesn’t seem like something that’s supposed to happen. The nurse said, “Well, that’s what they do!”

This doctor had a history of being jerky, but my philosophy at the time was “better the devil you know…”

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So Much For Birth Control

, , , , | Healthy | June 6, 2020

I’m a doctor working at the surgical emergency ward on a calm Saturday afternoon when a very large woman is brought in via ambulance. I’m wrapping up my last case at the computer but can hear her wailing from behind her curtain; we, unfortunately, don’t have separate rooms.

Another surgeon is with her within minutes.

Doctor: “All right, I’ve heard you called an ambulance for abdominal pain. Have you experienced similar symptoms before?”

Patient: “No! Help! Please, do something!”

Doctor: “Sure, give me just a minute. I need to find out the cause of your pain first to give you the right medication. Could you describe your symptoms a bit more in detail?”

Patient: “I have these cramps. They started early this morning and keep getting worse! Sometimes it’s a bit better but it keeps coming back! Oh, please do something!”

The doctor puts a hand on her belly, frowns, and then looks at her sharply.

Doctor: “Ma’am, is it possible that you’re pregnant?”

Patient: “Aaauuuugh! Ah… No… I don’t think so? I didn’t get my period for some time due to stress…”

The doctor motions for a nurse to get him an ultrasound.

Doctor: “Ma’am, when was your last period?”

Patient: *Winces* “I don’t know? Some months ago… December? No, earlier, I think.”

The nurse comes back with the ultrasound and the doctor finishes his examination. When he puts the probe on her belly…

Doctor: “Wow. I don’t usually get to see this, but it’s quite clear. See here? This is a head, and there’s the spine. With the periodic contractions you’re describing, I’m fairly sure you’re in labour.”

Patient: “What?! No! I can’t!”

Doctor: “Oh. I’m sorry; it seems I was wrong.”

Patient: “Praise the Lord. Don’t scare me like that!”

Doctor: “Sorry, that’s not what I meant. There’s another head. It’s twins.” *To the nurse* “Please inform the gynecologists and call a transport to get her to the labour room.”

Patient: “Noooooooooooo!” *Screams unintelligibly*

Not even half an hour later, we got a call from the gynecologists. It was two healthy babies, seemingly on term, and which blood tests did we already order?

I’m glad they were delivered safely and healthily, but judging by their mom’s reaction to her pregnancy… I can’t help but worry for their future.

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Might Be Time To Change Doctors

, , , , , | Healthy | May 31, 2020

I work for a doctor’s emergency answering service. A frantic woman calls in at three am.

Me: “Hello, [Service].”

Woman: “I need [Doctor] to call me ASAP! My son has swallowed a nickel!”

Me: “Certainly. Just let me get some information and I’ll have [Doctor] call you right back.”

The woman gives me all the pertinent info. I call [Doctor]  and wake him up from a very obvious sound sleep.

Me: “Sorry to wake you, [Doctor]. I’ve got a call from [Woman]; she says her son has swallowed a nickel.”

There’s a five-second pause.

Doctor: “So, is he choking or does she want me to make change?”

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