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Doctors, nurses, and staying healthy

They Should Guard Their Mouth More Carefully

, , , , , , , | Healthy | January 13, 2023

I have been working at a few different entrances at a hospital during the global health crisis, monitoring visitors and handing out masks. One day, I’m working with a security guard who is newer and seems to be one of the better ones so far. I rethink this after the following situation.

On this particular day, I’m at a part of the hospital where all the labour, delivery, postpartum, and antepartum units are. We watch a female patient wheel herself outside using a wheelchair. Once past the doors, she gets up from the chair and walks the very short distance over to the smoking area.

The security guard then starts laughing.

Security Guard: “It’s a miracle!”

I stare at her.

Security Guard: “I just watched a miracle! She can walk!”

I just shrugged my shoulders. I should have said something, but I was having a frustrating shift and didn’t feel like getting into it with anyone else.

Unless you’re the patient’s nurse or doctor, you don’t know everything that is going on. For all we know — and I think this was a very likely possibility — this patient was on bed rest but was allowed to do minimal walking and was instructed by the unit to go by wheelchair anytime she left her room.

I’m sure [Security Guard] didn’t mean to be mocking, but a little sensitivity goes a long way!

That’s Some Weird Logic You Got There, Buddy

, , , | Healthy | January 11, 2023

When I worked in Emergency Medical Services, I had a male patient who got stabbed in between his butt cheeks.

Me: “Sir, we’re going to have to take your pants off so we can bandage the wound and keep you from bleeding any further.”

Patient: *Screaming* “I don’t want no female putting anything near my behind! That’s gay!”

Me: “You don’t have a choice. Either we patch you up or we let you bleed out enough that you pass out and we do it anyway.”

What made this comical was that if he had worn his pants properly on his waist, the knife wouldn’t have been able to get so far between his cheeks and he would only have had a scratch.

Do NOT Let Gilderoy Lockheart Anywhere Near Them!

, , , , , | Healthy | January 9, 2023

We get a myriad of people who come in with pretty bad injuries, like badly broken bones, muscle tears, etc. The physicians see them and say:

Physician: “Okay, we’ll schedule surgery for next week.”

Or:

Physician: “We’ll put a cast on, and you’ll follow up in a few weeks.”

Some patients will say:

Patient: “Um… that’s it? I thought you were going to fix the problem.”

Physician: “Some things take time to heal; we can only facilitate the healing process and make sure it heals right.”

Patient: “But I want it fixed now!”

Physician: “Oh, I’m sorry. My magic wand is in the repair shop today, so I can’t fix it instantly and we’ll have to do this the regular way. Anything else you wanted?”

A Kind Of Sucky Bloodsucker

, , , , , , | Healthy | January 7, 2023

I’m going to donate blood. For those that don’t know, this means getting dragged into a private room first for some testing to make sure I can donate and answering a whole lot of boring questions, most of which I’ve actually pre-answered on the app this time. However, they have one to ask that isn’t on the app.

Nurse: “And have you had a [contagious illness] vaccine?”

Me: “Yep, and the booster.”

Nurse: “And which vaccine did you get?”

Me: “It was… Oh, having a brain fart right now. Could you remind me the names of the vaccines?”

Nurse: “I can’t do that. You have to tell me.”

Me: “I was just asking for the names to jog my memory.”

Nurse: “If I tell you, then you could just lie and pick one of them when you didn’t really get the vaccine.”

For the record, I’ve had to jog my memory by asking for the names of the vaccines when donating blood at this exact same facility before and didn’t have any trouble with it.

Me: “Do you require a [contagious illness] vaccine to donate here?”

Nurse: “No, but I need to know what vaccine you got if you said you got one.”

Me: “But if I can donate blood without the vaccine, there is no incentive for me to lie about it.”

Nurse: “I need you to tell me a vaccine without my helping, or you can’t donate blood here.”

Me: “So, what? Do you want me to claim I got the [Company #1] one, even though I know that’s not the one I got, just to donate?”

This last question is asked in what I think is an obviously sarcastic tone, but she apparently doesn’t pick up on that.

Nurse: “Okay, fine. I’ll put that. We just need a name.”

Me: “But I didn’t get that one.”

Nurse: “It doesn’t really matter for an old vaccine.”

So, apparently, rather than my potentially lying when I have no incentive to do so, she would rather force me into an explicit known lie.

Once I was no longer distracted by how inane her request was, a little later, I remembered I had photos of my vaccination card on my phone, so I looked it up and tried telling [Nurse] that I actually got the [Company #2] vaccine, but she couldn’t be bothered to go back and correct the records that she had basically bullied me into falsifying.

[Nurse] also managed to stick me wrong when she drew blood — I could tell from the feeling — with what everyone agreed was a badly put-together bag. In her defense, though, I believe they grab already put-together bags, so she probably wasn’t the one to put it together wrong.

Then, [Nurse] told me that her shift was up and she was leaving and letting someone else handle the rest. Cue three separate people all huddled around me trying to figure out how to draw blood for the last tubes they collect for testing when, for whatever reason, they wouldn’t fill despite the main bag filling properly. Luckily, they called in an older man who was apparently their expert, and there wasn’t any real pain, just some pretty mild discomfort, as he fought with the needle to get the blood flowing. Suffice it to say, I was less than impressed with the first woman.

Despite my complaints, though, I really do recommend that everyone donate blood. I’ve been doing it like clockwork every two months for the last decade and a half, and this still ranks as one of my top five worst experiences, despite really not being that bad, so please don’t think you’re likely to have trouble if you donate.

A Pee-H-D In Misinterpreting Results

, , , , | Healthy | January 5, 2023

I have had recurrent urinary infections for a while, so after the most recent one is treated, my doctor sends me for an ultrasound to make sure nothing is left in my bladder to explain it.

To do this, you have to have a full bladder, so they tell you to drink two big glasses of water about thirty minutes before the appointment. I do this and arrive at the clinic ten minutes before to start waiting. By this point, I am starting to feel the need to go.

The appointment ends up being thirty minutes late, and at this point, I am almost crying in pain from my bladder being so full. I finally get in, and they scan before and after I have peed.

The doctor then gives me the news that I might have urinary retention and this could be serious.

However, I am not so sure, as it is literally just above the most minor category.

Fast forward to my meeting with my usual doctor. He reads the report and gets to that point in it. He snorts.

Doctor: “Most people’s bladder has a capacity of about 500ml; you had just over 600ml. I’d be surprised if you didn’t have some retention. The guy doing the scan is an idiot.”

At least I now know why I was in so much pain.