(I have a concussion and am getting a CT scan. The tech hands me a waiver where I sign that I’m not pregnant. I have to check a reason that I know this. I look up and down the list, and see reasons such as “I’ve had a hysterectomy,” “I’ve had tubal ligation,” “I had a negative pregnancy test done in the hospital today,” and “I have gone through menopause.” I don’t see one that describes my situation so I draw a box at the end of the list, and write, “I’m a virgin.” I check my box, sign it, and hand it back to the tech.)

Tech: “Do we really not have an option for that? Wow.”

(I work as a receptionist in a small, single-doctor veterinary practice. A first-time dog owner drops off his 6-month-old male Golden Doodle to be neutered. The surgery is routine, and the dog goes home that evening. I get this phone call the following day.)

Me: “Good morning. [Veterinary Hospital]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Client: “This is [Client]. I brought Fluffy in to be neutered yesterday. Did you also remove his testicles?”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Client: “Did the doctor remove Fluffy’s testicles yesterday when he was in to be neutered?”

Me: “Y-yes. That’s what the procedure is.”

Client: “I wish someone had explained that to me before I agreed to the surgery. Dr.

[Name] only said Fluffy would be castrated, not that his testicles would be removed.”

Me: “…”

(My husband and I had decided to go on a trip to the Dominican Republic with another couple. This couple is about 10 years younger than we are and more attractive. When we go to get our vaccinations before the trip, this happens.)

Nurse: *to the other couple* “Now, you two weren’t planning on getting up to anything naughty with the locals, were you?”

Male Friend: *grinning* “Like what?”

Nurse: *wags finger coyly* “You know what I mean. No sexual activity, okay? You could catch something that these shots won’t prevent.”

Female Friend: “Don’t worry, we won’t.”

Nurse: “Good to know. Have fun. Next!”

Me & My Husband: “That would be us.”

Nurse: *suddenly very business-like* “I have a warning for you two, as well.”

Me: “Don’t have sex with the locals?”

Nurse: “What? No, I was going to warn you not to eat the fish. It might make you sick.”

(As we walked away, my husband said “I feel vaguely insulted and I’m not sure why.”)

(I go to get an internal ultrasound due to some gynecological issues. The place I’ve been referred to is specifically for women’s ultrasounds and while they do things for not-pregnant women, most of their work is women who are trying to get pregnant, currently pregnant, or just had a baby. They need to check off a couple of things before they start and the technician is going through my file notes.)

Tech: “I see here that you have the copper IUD.”

Me: “Yeah, I got it about six months ago.”

Tech: “Why do you have one?”

Me: “…because I don’t want babies?”

Tech: *laughs* “Yeah, that was a stupid question. I meant copper was an unusual choice. Why not the [Brand]?”

(This is back when the “puff of air” type of glaucoma test was still common. I am 13 or so at this point and have a very strong blink reflex, as well as anxiety that makes me very uncomfortable in medical offices, meaning I have a bad startle reflex, as well. My dad has warned me that the glaucoma test is unpleasant, so I make a request of the nurse doing the test.)

Me: “Can you please count down before you shoot the air? I’ll jump really badly otherwise.”

Nurse: *dismissively* “Uh huh, got it.”

(I’m shaking like crazy when I put my eye up to the machine but trust that the nurse will honor my request. I hear her making some adjustments, and then suddenly she shoots me with the air and I nearly fall out of my chair.)

Me: *startled and close to tears* “You said you’d count.”

Nurse: “I can’t; you’d move away if you knew when it was coming. Oh, come on, you jumped so fast my results got messed up, so we’ll have to redo that eye.”

(She has to do the test three times on one eye and two on the other because I keep jumping so badly. By the time she finishes, I am a wreck and terrified of coming back the next year. Fortunately, shortly after that they raise the minimum age for the test to 18, but when I reach 19 and have an appointment at a new practice I’m still petrified at the thought of the test.)

Me: *to the nurse* “Is there any way I can opt out of the glaucoma test? I don’t have a family history of it and I’m not old enough to be at risk yet.” *I explain my bad experience from years earlier*

New Nurse: “Oh, don’t worry, we actually don’t use that version of the test here. It’s not as accurate, anyway.”

(The new version involves numbing drops and having the eye touched with a small instrument, and I didn’t feel a thing. The new nurse said the other woman had no reason not to count down for me.)