Students Learning A Hard Lesson In Patients

, , | Healthy | January 2, 2018

(I am a student nurse doing a placement in a teaching hospital. As it is a teaching hospital, patients are told that they may have a student and an RN caring for them at some point in their stay, and usually they are okay with that as they get more attention. I go in to introduce myself at the start of my shift.)

Me: “Hi, my name is [My Name] and I am a student nurse with [University]. I am working with [RN] today, so you’ll see us both in and out of your room tonight. Is there anything I can get you?”

Patient: “You’re a student? That means you don’t know what you’re doing! You’re going to mess something up and I’m going to die!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can assure you that I do know what I am doing; this is my fifth week on this unit and I have completed four other placements in different areas of the hospital already. I also have my instructor and [RN] to assist me if I am unsure of something.”

Patient: “Get me [RN]! I don’t want a student! Get out of my room before you kill me!”

(I went to find my instructor and explained the situation, and after speaking with the RN I was assigned a new patient. I later heard from another nurse on the floor that the first patient told the nurse that she was taking too long to get her a glass of water, and said they really needed to get the students to help out more!)

Dancing Around The Subject

, | Healthy | January 2, 2018

(Our county health department is holding a special flu vaccination clinic at a local senior center. There are a number of other activities going on in different parts of the building, so I’m staffing the desk, checking in clients and giving directions. A very small, fragile-looking but smartly dressed gentleman walks in, leaning on a cane. He appears to be ninety if he’s a day.)

Me: “Good afternoon, sir; are you here for the flu clinic?”

Gentleman: “No, I’m here for the square dancing class!”

Making You Pregnant With Sarcasm

, , | Healthy | January 2, 2018

(For a quite number of days now, I’ve had terrible stomach pains with a fluctuating appetite. I go to the doctor. I’m a virgin.)

Doctor: *after hearing me talk about my stomach problems* “So, it says here on your sheet that you’re not pregnant.”

Me: “Yes.”

Doctor: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes.”

Doctor: “Is there a possibility you could be pregnant?”

Me: “No.”

(He makes a face at this. I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m an idiot who can’t accept the fact I could be pregnant. Later on after he runs some tests.)

Doctor: “Well, you’re not pregnant.”

Me: *thinking* “No s***, Sherlock.”

You’re In Deep Heat Now

, , | Healthy | January 1, 2018

(A woman waddles into the building.)

Woman: “I need to see a doctor.”

Me: “Do you have an appointment?”

Woman: “No, I need to see one now.”

Me: “I’m sorry, emergency appointments ended at 11. I can make you an appointment, however, for next week?”

Woman: “NO! IT HAS TO BE NOW!”

Me: “If it’s an emergency you need to go to A&E. Should i call an ambulance?”

Woman: *jumping on the desk* “I RUBBED ‘DEEP HEAT’ ON MY GARDEN PATCH. IT F****** KILLS!”

Me: “Oh, umm. Like I said, if it’s an emergency, you need to go to A&E.”

(She huffed and waddled out, screaming about how incompetent we all were. I haven’t seen her personally since, but a letter came through from the local hospital for her, with a prescription for something which treats chemical burns. I’m fairly certain Deep Heat wasn’t involved in whatever she was doing.)

Might Need Brain Surgery, Too

, | Healthy | January 1, 2018

(My mid-60s father was recently goofing off and pulled a stunt where he rode a luggage cart down a hill and wiped out hard. The injuries are mostly scrapes and bruises but he also has a small break in his wrist. There is lots of back-and-forth over whether he needs to do a re-aligning surgery. He is in the doctor’s office consulting with the surgeon, who he said was barely 30.)

Doctor: “So how did this happen?”

Dad: “You want the real story or a version that makes me look better?”

Doctor: “…how about the real version?”

Dad: *recounts story*

Doctor: “I see. Well, to be honest with you, we don’t like to do these kinds of surgeries on patients over the age of 60 because [reasons].”

Dad: “Well, yes, I’m over that age, but if you’ll recall the story, I was clearly thinking like a 16-year-old.”

Doctor: “That’s a good point. We’ll schedule the surgery for tomorrow morning.”

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