My town has put together a free test site for the health crisis for residents. I heard that the morning was swamped. People were in line for hours. I have pre-registered and I go as soon as I get out of work. Fortunately, the lines have died down significantly, and I am the second car in my line.

Unfortunately, when I check in, they have just run out of tubes. I don’t have any plans for the rest of the evening, so I don’t mind waiting. We chat a bit about how the lines have been, it being a successful event, and whatnot. Not three minutes later, another worker drives our way with another box of tubes. The two check-in workers start cheering.

Worker #1: “Woo-hoo!”

Worker #2: “Go, [Tube Worker]! You’re awesome, [Tube Worker]!”

Me: “Not all heroes wear capes!”

Worker #1: “You’re a hero, [Tube Worker]!”

They set me up and send me off to the testing station.

Me: “Hello!”

Worker #3: “Welcome! Have you done this before?”

Me: “Yeah… Once… A while ago.”

Worker #3: “You nervous?”

Me: “Ehhh…”

Worker #3: “Here’s what I like to tell people. We don’t go in any further than you would when you pick your nose… and we both know you pick your nose.”

I burst out laughing. Thanks, test site workers! You sure know how to ease tension!

I’m a nurse on a medical surgical floor. I have a new patient with an odd rash all over.

Doctor: “I’m stumped. I’ve put in a consult with infectious disease and dermatology. Have you ever seen anything like this?”

Me: “Well, yeah, but the patient isn’t a toddler.”

Doctor: “What does being a toddler have to do with anything?”

Me: “Well, if this patient was a toddler, I’d swear he had scarlet fever.”

Doctor: “Crap! I didn’t even think of that for a forty-something-year-old.”

Swabs came back positive for strep and yes, a forty-something-year-old can apparently get scarlet fever.

It’s Wednesday and I have been sick for a couple of days. I try to be seen at urgent care, but due to the health crisis, they have nothing available until Friday afternoon. I take the Friday slot. Since some of my symptoms could also be symptoms of the current spreading illness, I also schedule a free screening at a county test site on Thursday. I get the results on Friday morning before my urgent care visit.

An hour and a half after my slot, the provider is able to see me. I describe my symptoms. 

Me: “I have a cough, sore throat, fatigue, and a little shortness of breath. I did get a [illness] test and it was negative.”

Provider: “It was negative?”

Me: “Yes, thankfully.”

Provider: “Then why are you here?”

Me: *Taken a little aback* “Because I’m sick?”

The provider finished the exam and diagnosed me with an upper respiratory infection.

I have a friend who works in an assisted living facility; her job includes cleaning patients. One day, my friend was giving a sponge bath to a male patient when she heard him say something from under his mask.

Patient: “I think my testicles are black.”

She peeked under the towel.

Friend: “No, they look fine.”

She then proceeded to clean him and he continued to ask her about his testicles, and each time, she would respond by lifting the towel and reassuring him that they were fine.

Finally, the patient took off his mask.

Patient: “I think my tests should be back.”

Our general practitioner sends any prescriptions straight to our local pharmacy for us to pick up. For repeat prescriptions, we pop the request into the GP and then the medications are ready for pickup three days later.

Today, I have a telephone appointment and my GP prescribes some medication to start taking straight away and sends the prescription over to the pharmacy. I dropped a repeat prescription request into the GP two days ago, but I know those meds should not be ready yet.

Me: “I’m here to pick up a prescription for [My Name].”

The pharmacist assistant checks the computer.

Pharmacist Assistant: “I’ve got a few different items on here for you. Did you put in a repeat?”

Me: “Yes, but I don’t mind if they’re not ready. I just need [medication].”

Pharmacist Assistant: “Did you see your GP today?”

Me: “Yes, I had an appointment about two hours ago; he said he’d send the prescription over.”

Pharmacist Assistant: “Okay, hold on.”

She goes to speak to the pharmacist.

Pharmacist: “[My Name]? Your repeat prescription has only just been sent to us. It takes three days.”

Me: “Yes, I know. I saw my GP today and he gave me [medication]; that’s what I need to pick up.”

Pharmacist: “We can’t issue your prescriptions today, I’m afraid. We haven’t processed them yet.”

Me: “I don’t want my repeat prescriptions today. I’ll come back for them. I just want [medication].”

Pharmacist: “Your repeat will be ready tomorrow. If you’d like to come back we can issue everything together.”

Me: “Look, I spoke to my GP today, he sent the prescription for [medication] today, and he wants me to start taking it today. Can I please just pick up [medication]?”

Pharmacist: “You don’t want to wait for the repeat to be ready?”

Me: “No. I want [medication]. I do not want to wait for the repeat. I will come back tomorrow for the repeat. I want [medication] today. Can I pick up [medication], just [medication], only [medication], right now? And I will pick up my repeat tomorrow!”

Pharmacist: “Uh… let me get that for you.”

A few minutes later, the assistant calls me over.

Pharmacist Assistant: “[My Name]? I’ve got a prescription for you here. Would you like to pick it up now or add it to your repeat for pickup tomorrow?”

Me: “Really?!”