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Doctors, nurses, and staying healthy

This Manager Can’t Stomach A Reasonable Request

, , , , , | Healthy | April 21, 2022

I’ve been having a lot of stomach problems. My doctor orders a CT scan. This shows a small abnormality in my colon. He sends me to a gastrointestinal specialist, who orders a colonoscopy, as he is concerned that I have something that could turn serious if left alone. The first one available is a month later, on a Monday morning. My doctor also tells me that I’ll be under anesthesia, so no driving until the next day.

My job is pretty strict about requesting time off early, so I figure a month is more than enough time. I go to work and tell my boss that I’ll need that whole day off.

Boss: “Oh.”

Me: “Yeah, it’s a pain, I know.”

Boss: “Can that be moved?”

Me: “Only if it’s for a really good reason. Why?”

Boss: “I’m leaving for vacation the day after, and I was going to take that day off to get everything ready.”

I stare at my boss in disbelief.

Boss: “I need time to pack! So, can it be moved?”

I take a deep breath and attempt to stay calm.

Me: “The next available date was two weeks later, on a Tuesday. Since I have to be on a liquid diet and a very strong laxative the day before, this would require me to take two days off. Would you rather I take two days instead of one?”

Boss: “No, I would not. The original appointment is fine. So, you’ll be in afterward, right?”

Me: “Say what?”

Boss: “I mean, I know you said you needed the whole day. But I had this thought. Your appointment is in the morning, so you take the morning off and come in after lunch. Then, I can take a half-day. Problem solved!”

She smiles proudly. My composure slips.

Me: “Have you ever had a colonoscopy?”

Boss: “Nope! Why?”

At my request, my GI doctor has told me exactly what the procedure will entail. This helps calm my anxiety about the whole thing. I decide to put that knowledge to use, as I know my boss doesn’t like medical descriptions.

Me: “After two doses of an extremely powerful laxative, I have to be put under general anesthesia so that they can stick a camera and a probe up my a** to make sure I don’t have Crohn’s or cancer. And I haven’t even mentioned the tissue sample that he’ll have to take from my intestinal lining. This will likely cause post-procedure bleeding. You want me to come into work after having this done?”

My boss pales, makes a face, and holds up a hand.

Boss: “Stop! I didn’t need to know any of that. I assume your answer is no?”

Me: “Obviously! Plus, I can’t drive for eight hours after being put under.”

Boss: “Someone could drive you in.”

Me: “Have you ever been under anesthesia?! I have, twice. It makes me extremely loopy. You want me handling cash after that? I’m not coming in. End of discussion. Now, are you going to approve it or should I take it unpaid?”

Boss: “Well, now that you put it that way, I guess it was a pretty stupid question. I’ll approve it in the system.”

She walked away, muttering under her breath that I didn’t have to make her look that dumb.

The colonoscopy went without a hitch, and to my great relief, I did not have Crohn’s or cancer! I was eventually diagnosed with IBS, aggravated by stress. My doctor informed me that this can mimic Crohn’s.

I have a different job now.

Blood Is Thicker Than Water, But These People Are The Thickest Of All

, , , , | Healthy | April 20, 2022

I work at a blood bank, and we’ve had a distinct increase in people wanting to have family or friends donate blood for them because they’re afraid of “vaccine-tainted” blood. They’re bad enough, but one lady takes the cake.

Caller: “My child is having surgery next week, and the doctor says they’ll need blood during the surgery. I want [Family Member] to donate for my child instead of getting blood from a volunteer donor because you let vaccinated people donate blood. I don’t want my child to get vaccinated by receiving blood from a vaccinated donor!”

Yes, this lady thinks the vaccine is contagious!

Life As A Human Pin Cushion

, , , , , , | Healthy | April 18, 2022

CONTENT WARNING: Needles

 

I am not a tricky stick. I started donating plasma when I was seventeen and continued twice a year until I got pregnant, so I’m not afraid of needles, either. 

When I am pregnant, they have to draw my blood for the gestational diabetes test. When I get there, there are two people. The woman tells me the young man is a nurse doing his residency and asks if I’m okay with him doing my blood draw. I say sure. Again, I’m not afraid of needles and not a tricky stick.

It goes terribly. He misses my vein on the left arm twice. I’m still calm, but now he’s freaking out a little and misses again.

Older Nurse: “Are you okay, Mrs. [My Name]?”

Me: “I’m doing fine.”

Older Nurse: “Do you want me to draw your blood, instead?”

Me: “No, I’m good. He can keep trying. Better on me than on someone who needs a needle urgently in the future.”

The young nurse tries again and misses again. Now he looks close to tears and way more emotional than me. The older nurse pulls him aside and talks him through a few deep breaths. They come back, and he tries to stick me again and misses twice.

Me: “Would you like to try my other arm?”

Older Nurse: “That’s probably a good idea.”

After five failed tries in my left arm, he preps my right.

Me: “Don’t worry. You’re doing great. You’ll get it this time.”

Older Nurse: “Keep calm and focus. The more emotional you are, the harder it will be.”

After three tries, he finally got the needle into my right arm and could draw blood. I left looking like an addict with holes in both arms. Hopefully, he didn’t get discouraged and is working as a nurse today with a steady hand.

If I Buy You A Ticket, Can You Follow My Train Of Thought?

, , , | Healthy | April 17, 2022

CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

 

I had my gallbladder out in my early twenties. There was a complication, but the surgeon resolved it during surgery. I understand that this is very unusual for my age group, but this interaction with a new doctor amazed even me.

Doctor: “So, you’ve noted that you’ve had gallbladder surgery and pancreatitis. When did those happen?”

Me: “[Year].”

Doctor: “Both of them?”

Me: “Yes, the pancreatitis was found and resolved during the gallbladder surgery.”

Doctor: “Any complications from the gallbladder?”

Me: “Uh, the pancreatitis.”

Doctor: “Hmm. Any complications from the pancreatitis?”

Me: “It was the complication.”

Doctor: “Huh?”

Me: “A stone went into my pancreas, and my surgeon had to pop it out.”

Doctor: “Ah. When was that discovered?”

Me: “When I was on the operating table?”

Doctor: “Any complications?”

Me: “Seriously?!”

Doctor: “We need to know.”

Me: *Sigh* “Let’s try this again. They found the pancreatitis while I was on the operating table for the gallbladder. A stone had gone into my pancreas. My surgeon popped it out. Complication fixed. The end.”

Doctor: “Any lingering issues?”

Me: “No.”

Doctor: “Okay, I got it now.”

Me: “That took much longer than it needed to.”

I did not go back to that doctor.

He Needs An Injection Of Brain Cells

, , , , , , | Healthy | April 14, 2022

My friend is a bit of a moron. He’s not a bad person, and he’s not an anti-vaxxer, but he legitimately didn’t seem to think that getting vaccinated was important until all his coworkers started getting sick with the latest variant of a particular contagious illness.

As soon as the third coworker where he works caught [illness], [Coworker] scheduled an appointment to get vaccinated, but he could only find one three and a half weeks out.

Sadly, he tested positive himself four days before the appointment. This absolute moron of a man decided to go and get vaccinated while currently sick with the illness, despite my efforts to convince him to wait, because, and I quote:

Friend: “I ain’t waiting another three and a half weeks. I’m ready to do it now, and I’m gonna get ‘er done.”

He was in the emergency room the next day; the vaccine had made his symptoms worse. He spent two weeks in the hospital.

About two weeks after that, he tested negative for the illness. He’d been testing every two or three days. He told me:

Friend: “Oh, good thing. I got my second dose of the vaccine yesterday.”