He Knows He’s Full Of Malar-Key

(I work in customer relations for a major utility. A landlord is upset that we haven’t gotten a meter read prior to transferring service into his name.)

Me: “I see we have a key on file, but it appears it stopped working a few months ago.”

Customer: *very irate* “Well, I don’t know why that would have happened. I think your meter reader was just being lazy and didn’t feel like doing his job!”

Me: “Sir, did you by any chance change the locks on your building?”

Customer: *nervous stammering* “N-no… I did not.”

Me: “Usually, the key stops working only because the locks are changed or broken. Did your tenant change the locks by chance?”

Customer: “No, I’m the only one that changes the locks on my building! That tenant was evicted, and I had to change the locks to keep them from stealing from me!”

Me: “So, you DID change the locks, then?”

Customer: “Er… um… well, why wasn’t I notified that the key was no longer working?!”

Me: “So, you wanted us to notify you that YOU changed the locks on your own building?”

Customer: “I’m so F***ING sick of your company!” *click*