He Is The Egg-man

(My girlfriend often jokingly compares driving my SUV to driving a walrus, because it’s bigger than her car. I walk outside with a co-worker who I am giving a ride home to see my rear window had been carefully painted. This co-worker is female, and thinks she’d be a much better match for me than my girlfriend.)

Coworker: “What the h*** is that?”

Me: *laughing* “It’s a walrus.”

Coworker: “Who would do that to your car?!”

Me: “My girlfriend.”

(I opened the car door to find a stuffed walrus on my driver’s seat with a card pinned to it that says ‘Today, I am the walrus! Love you!’.)

Coworker: *snatching the walrus and reading the card* “This is so stupid! How lame is your girlfriend? I mean, come on! When are you going to dump her, already?”

Girlfriend: *jumping out of the backseat* “Surprise!”

(My coworker took the bus home. My girlfriend? I took her out to dinner.)