He Is Soda-pressing

(My boyfriend and I are getting fast food. This conversation happened in front of the soda machine.)

Me: “Sometimes when I’m sad, I’ll pour myself some soda and pretend that the fizzy sound is applause. So even if the world is against me I still have bubbles on my side.”

Boyfriend: “But even the bubbles eventually fizz out, and you’re left with no one again.”

Me: “I think that’s the part where you’re supposed to say, ‘I’ll always be by your side, babe.'”

Boyfriend: “I can’t make that promise. Of the two of us, I’m most likely to die first, so you’ll only have your artificial and imaginary applause to keep you company after that.”

Me: “But by then I’ll have our kids though, right?”

Boyfriend: “Who will have all grown up and have lives of their own to deal with. I sure hope the future has lots of soda for you.”

Me: “Gee, thanks, a**-hole.”

(We broke up not long after that. He was just too pessimistic for me to handle.)