He Has His Wires Crossed

Me: “Welcome to [company], this is [name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want instructions to wire up my phone socket to the mains to boost the signal.”

(Our phone lines use a 12 V signal while main power is 240v V Connecting the two would be a very bad idea.)

Me: *shocked* “Are you a trained electrician?”

Customer: “No. Why would I want to be one?”

Me: “You do know that the phone systems uses a 12 V system while the mains is 240 V?”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “Only authorized and trained people can work on a phone line. You are neither.”

Customer: *sighs* “That is why I am wanting the instructions to wire the phone socket to the mains!”

Me: “Sir, if by some miracle you do not kill yourself wiring the two together you would be personally responsible for the cost of replacing a multimillion dollar telephone exchange that you would blow up by doing that wiring. Do you understand?”

(A moment of silence as the customer thinks this through.)

Customer: “I don’t like your attitude. Transfer me to someone more sympathetic to my needs.”

Me: “How about I transfer you to faults. They know about wiring, and we both know you will be there sooner or later.”

Customer: “They can tell me how to wire it up?”

Me: “I will get them to tell you themselves.”

(I put the customer on hold while I contact Faults department.)

Faults: “Hello this is [name] in Faults.”

Me: “I am so sorry to give this to you, but I have a customer demanding how to wire the phone socket into the mains.”

Faults: “What?”

Me: “I have explained to him if he did not manage to kill himself wiring it up, then he would be liable for the replacement cost of the exchange but he insists on being transferred to someone more sympathetic.”

Faults: “It’s going to be one of those days, isn’t it?”