He Was There In Spirit

(My biology class is beginning its unit on evolution, much to the chagrin of some classmates.)

Biology Teacher: “Now, as you should have read in the text, the most recent common ancestor between humans and chimpanzees most likely lived between 6-8 million years ago, although there is some—”

Classmate: *jumps to his feet* “Were you there?!”

Biology Teacher: “Excuse me?”

Classmate: “Were you there when monkeys turned into people?!”

Biology Teacher: “In my class you have your butt down and your hand up to ask a question, Mr. [Name].”

(The classmate gives the teacher a death glare, but sits down and raises his hand without breaking eye contact.)

Biology Teacher: “Yes, Mr. [Name]?”

Classmate: “My question is… WERE. YOU. THERE. When monkeys turned into humans?”

Biology Teacher: “Of course I was.”

Classmate: “Then you can’t—wait, huh?”

Biology Teacher: “Yes, I was there.”

Classmate: “No you weren’t!”

(The rest of the class starts snickering.)

Biology Teacher: “How do you know I wasn’t there? Were you there?”

Classmate: “No, but—”

Biology Teacher: “Well then you can’t tell me I wasn’t there, because you weren’t there.”

(Everyone snickers again.)

Classmate: “You never saw evolution happen! Nobody did! So nobody can say it’s true!”

Biology Teacher: “Well, Mr. [Name], unless this is the first science course you’ve ever taken, your old teachers should be ashamed because they obviously left no impression on you. Biology, and all sciences, are based on observation and deduction.” *he holds up a copy of the textbook* “What you read here is what we have observed and what we can deduce based on the evidence. And if you actually had read it, maybe you would know that. You are in your junior year of high school, and you should not have to have this explained to you. I do not have the time to stand here and explain this to you. So if you have any further objections I suggest you come and see me after class ends.”

Classmate: “Evolution never happened! It’s a fairy tale made up by liberal scientists who hate God!”

Biology Teacher: *pinching his nose in frustration* “I’m not getting into a religious debate. This is a biology class. If you interrupt me again, Mr. [Name], you can take your objections up with [disciplinary officer].”

Classmate: “Fine! I’m not going to sit here and listen to lies from the devil!”

(He storms out of the classroom with his backpack in tow.)

Me: “…So shalt thou put evil away from among you.”