Has A Broad Church Of Jobs

(I’m the black sheep of the family, as I identify myself as agnostic, while the rest of my family is deeply religious. We’ve all gathered together for my grandfather’s funeral. A bit of a crisis has erupted: we’re having trouble finding a pastor to speak at the funeral.)

Brother: “See? This is why you need to go to church, if for no other reason than we don’t run into this problem when your time comes.”

Me: “When my time comes, you can seek out a former coworker of mine named [Name]. He left the radio station to join the priesthood, and we’re still good friends. He’s rather progressive, too, so I hope you don’t mind that he quotes Star Wars in his sermons. If you can’t find him, just get in touch with either the Mormon church, the Lutheran church, the United Church, or the Anglican church in my hometown. I’ve done so much charity work for them though my job at the radio station, that they’ve all welcomed me into their flocks. And, if all of those churches say no, don’t forget that I went to [well-known religious college]. Get in touch with their ministerial department, and I’m sure they’ll be able to spare someone for an alumni like myself.”

Brother: “Oh. I didn’t know you did so much work with the church.”

Me: “And, if all those options fail…” *looking my brother in the eye* “I’m certain my brother, who does go to church every Sunday, will be able to say a few words.”

(My brother turns beet red, and changes the subject.)