Hang There Like Fruit, My Soul, ‘Til The Customer Request Dies

, , , | Right | November 20, 2019

(I am in an outdoor production of “Cymbeline,” widely considered Shakespeare’s least-performed play, and one that few people have even heard about. The show begins at 7:00 pm and usually ends at 10:30 pm. On the night of the last performance, my director receives the following call.)

Director: “Hello?”

Caller: “Is this where I can ask questions about Cymbeline?”

Director: “Yes. Did you want to make a reservation for tonight?”

Caller: “Well, I can’t. Not if the show starts at seven. You must start it an hour earlier.”

Director: “You want me to start the show at six instead of seven? Tonight?”

Caller: “Yes!”

Director: “Are you aware that it is 6:30 pm now?”

Caller: “You must start the show at six! No restaurant that is worth eating at in this town will accept reservations after 9:30!”

Director: “Ma’am, I just can’t do that.”

Caller: “But you have to! Cymbeline is my favorite play, and I’ve always wanted to see it performed!”

Director: “I understand you are upset, but we can’t start the show early.”

Caller: “But I’ve been in so many Shakespeare plays! I’ve been in Hamlet!”

Director: “That’s very nice, but everyone who wants to see the show will be here at seven, and we can’t start early just for one person.”

Caller: “But Cymbeline is my favorite! How am I supposed to eat after the show?”

Director: *frustrated* “Thank you for your comments. We here at [Theatre] appreciate your feedback and will consider it for future shows.” *hangs up* “I really hope she doesn’t come tonight.”

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