Hands Down, America’s Greatest Threat
Two guys, obviously a couple, walk up to the customer service desk.
Guy #1: “Excuse me, we’re here to buy a gift from a wedding registry?”
Me: “Of course! Can I get the name and registry code?”
They provide it, and as I bring up the list, they hold hands and look all adorable and cute. All three of us are shocked by hearing a shrill voice coming from a few feet away from another customer who is approaching angrily.
Customer: “No, no, no! None of that! I was hoping you were just friends, but that confirms it! Stop that!”
Me: “Ma’am, please stop bothering other customers.”
Customer: *To me.* “Don’t encourage them! This is the kind of stuff that’s destroying our country!”
Guy #1: *To his partner.* “Wow, babe, us holding hands has the power to destroy the country!”
Guy #2: “I knew I had a strong grip, but this is incredible! I wonder if we could destroy more?”
Customer: *Getting angrier.* “You all know what I mean! Stop making a mockery of our country’s values!”
Guy #1: *To me.* “So, we’ve recently been made aware that our hands are so powerful they have the ability to topple superpowers. Is there anything on that registry list that’s a little hardy?”
Me: *Smiling.* “Let’s have a look.”
Customer: *Getting even angrier.* “Stop ignoring me, I—”
Me: “Hmm, they have some cast iron cookware. I think that counts as hardy.”
Guy #2: “Ooooh, yes, very strong and sturdy. We’ll take that one. Hopefully, it survives the fall of the government.”
Customer: *Angriest.* “I demand that you—”
Guy #1: “Well, that was easy! I thought we’d struggle to choose a good gift!”
Guy #2: “Go us!” *Puts his hand up for a high five.*
Guy #1: “Hmm, better not. If just holding them can destroy America, a high five will probably bring down the moon…”
By the time they’re paying for the item, the angry customer has done everything except stomp her foot and stormed off to go be angry at something else.
By far my favorite customer interaction in all my years in retail.
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