Had It Up To Her Neck With Them

| Working | January 22, 2014

(I am 22 but people often mistake me for being a lot younger. I’m in the hospital after giving birth which was done naturally due to my extreme discomfort with needles. I’ve been in my room for maybe half an hour when a nurse walks in.)

Nurse #1: “Okay! How are you feeling? If you could please just roll over so I can check you out then I’ll be on my way.”

Me: “Huh? Check me out? I don’t—”

Nurse #1: *in condescending tone* “You need to roll over so I can look at your back and make sure there wasn’t a problem with the epidural. We’ve already seen you naked so don’t play shy now.”

Me: “WHAT?! I’m not playing shy. I didn’t have an epidural. I had my son naturally. All pain and no drugs.”

(The nurse looks at me oddly before leaving and then coming back a couple of minutes later.)

Nurse #1: “Oh! You’re that one. Okay. You don’t have to roll over.”

(She leaves. A couple of hours later I’m asleep when a different nurse comes in.)

Nurse #2: “Okay, sweetie. Wake up! I need you to roll over so I can look at your back and then I’ll walk you to the toilet.”

Me: “Um, no. I had this chat with the last nurse. I didn’t have an epidural and I already took myself to bathroom. Thank you for offering, though.”

Nurse #2: “Don’t be ridiculous. NOBODY has their baby naturally anymore unless you’re some sort of freak hippy. You don’t look like one of those freaky people. Now, I know you’re tired but you really need to just roll over.”

Me: “No, I don’t! I don’t need anything except sleep. Please, let me sleep.”

(At this point yet another nurse walks in.)

Nurse #3: *to Nurse #2* “Why are you in here?” *whispers loudly in her ear* “This is THAT girl?! Let’s just go.”

(Giving me odd looks the entire time, both nurses slowly back out of the room. An hour later one more nurse walks in.)

Nurse #4: “Okay, dearie. Just comin’ to check in on you, get ya to the bathroom, and make sure your epidural didn’t give you any issues.”

Me: “Not again!”

(I get up and take a few slow but steady steps around the room.)

Me: “See? I’m okay! I don’t need anything except sleep.”

Nurse #4: “It’s okay, love. I understand how hard it is to be a single parent. You’ll have mommy and daddy here soon to help you out. You don’t have to do everything yourself.”

(My husband and mother-in-law walk in at that moment. Note: my husband is 27 but looks older and my MIL works in the hospital that I’m in.)

Me: *I give my husband my most pathetic look* “Babe, please!” *I indicate to him that I just want her to leave*

Nurse #4: “‘Babe’?!” *to me* “This is your boyfriend?!” *to my husband* “How disgusting! This child is obviously underage and you got her pregnant?! I’m calling the cops right now.”

Mother-In-Law: “What?!”

(She proceeds to grab the nurse by the ear and drag her outside of the room. I fall asleep and wake up several hours later to yet another nurse except this one is sitting just inside my doorway reading. She notices I’m awake.)

Nurse #5: “Don’t worry, nobody will bother you anymore. [Mother-In-Law’s Name] and I have everything under control. I’m your security guard.”

(Sure enough, she asked for my permission anytime someone new came to my doorway. To this day I have no idea what went on while I was sleeping but the rest of my stay went by without any problems!)

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