H₂-Oh, Shut Up Nigel

A table of three people is ordering. The first customer hits me with:

Customer: “Can I get some organic water?”

Me: “Uh, I mean, our bottled water comes from a natural spring.”

Customer: “Okay, but is it organic?”

Me: “Well, it’s not exposed to pesticides… and is cruelty-free?”

Customer: “Okay, that should work.”

This exchange ends with the seeming relief of the next customer, who looked like they were expecting a longer conversation.

Then, the third customer says:

Third Customer: “Not to be that guy, but technically no water is organic, because it has no carbon atoms, and an organic compound must have carbon-hydrogen bonds.”

Second Customer: *Glaring.* “Not now, Nigel!”

Too late, the original customer has jumped on Nigel’s explanation.

Customer: *To me.* “Is that true?! It needs carbon to be organic?”

For f*** sake, I’m a waiter, not a chemist! Why does this always happen to me?

Me: *Thinking quickly.* “Uh, we do have carbonated water, ma’am?”

Customer: *Smiles.* “Okay! That should work too!”

Third Customer: “Well, technically—”

Second Customer: *Shouting.* “—Not now, Nigel!”

Seriously, Nigel! Shut up!