Guide Me Away From This Madness

(I work tech support at a large IT company. I’m currently busy fixing a company director’s computer half an hour after the end of my shift. The director is waiting by me, watching me work as he’s waiting for me to finish so he can get some important files sent. Another company worker walks up to me, ignoring the director.)

Coworker: “Hey, can I ask you something?”

Me: “Sure.”

Coworker: “It’s a bit complicated; is it alright if I ask?”

Me: “Sure.”

Coworker: “Do you have any guides on how to install the corporate instant messenger program?”

Me: “What?”

Coworker: “You know… a guide on how to install the IM program we use here.”

Me: “No, we don’t.”

Coworker: “Really? Because I could really use a guide.”

Me: “All you have to do is run the installer, check ‘I agree’ and click ‘forward’ twice. No configuration needed. It’s that simple.”

Coworker: “Well, I kinda need a guide for that. You see, we’re sending the IM program to a client.”

Me: “I’m fairly sure anyone with a basic grasp of how computers work would be able to install it by themselves.”

Coworker: “Still, I need a guide. Who installs that program here?”

Me: “We do.”

Coworker: “You do?”

Me: “Yes, we’re the tech support department.”

Coworker: “And you don’t need a guide?”

Me: “No. we don’t.”

Coworker: “Why not?”

Me: “It’s really simple to install. We don’t need a guide for that.”

Coworker: “Are you sure you don’t have a guide?”

Me: “I never saw one, no one ever mentioned one, so I’m fairly sure we don’t have one.”

Coworker: “Couldn’t you write one?”

Me: “We’re kind of busy here. But if you really need a guide, you could open a ticket. We’ll write a basic guide and send it to you once the ticket arrives in our inbox.”

Coworker: “Oh, I don’t have time for that!”

Me: “Well, if you don’t want to wait, you should talk to the developers.”

Coworker: “Oh? Who are the developers?”

Me: “The guys at [other company with the same owner of our company]. We contract their servers for the program. Drop them a word, and I’m sure they’ll be glad to send you the information you need.”

Coworker: *winces* “Oh, I don’t want to talk to [Other Company].”

Me: “Why not?”

Coworker: “Are you really sure you don’t have a guide stashed somewhere?”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

Coworker: “Maybe it’s lost in your filing system? It could have been tossed in an obscure folder in a backup server, you know?”

Me: “As I said, it’s a very simple program to install. One checkbox, two clicks, a few seconds of waiting and it’s ready to use. There was never a need for a guide, so we never wrote or asked for one.”

Coworker: “Right. Who could I talk to to see if they can find me a guide?”

Me: “Speak to [my Department Manager].”

Coworker: “Do you think he could help me find an installation guide?”

Me: “No, I don’t. I think you are looking for something that doesn’t exist.”

Coworker: “Really?”

Me: “Yep.”

Coworker: *chipper* “I’m sure he can help me out. Thanks!” *wanders off*

(My director has overheard our entire conversation, and puts a hand on my shoulder once my coworker leaves.)

Director: “Deep breaths, man. Deep breaths.”