Gran Finale

My grandma and I are out on a rare treat, catching a movie and getting a meal together. We’re having a meal in the same strip mall at the movie theater, and we tell the waiter that we have a movie to catch at 8 PM, so we’d appreciate the check brought out with the meal so we can settle it all quickly and leave when we’ve finished eating.

Waiter: *Bringing out our meals.* “That should be everything. Anything else you need, just let me know.”

Me: “Yes, the check please?”

Waiter: “But… but I only just brought the meals.”

Me: “Yes, but remember, we’re pressed for time, so we’d like to pay now too, so that we can just go when we’ve finished eating.”

Waiter: “But… it doesn’t work like that?”

Me: “What doesn’t work like what?”

Waiter: “You’re supposed to pay at the end… and then you tip if I did well.”

Me: “I tip if the waitstaff provide a good service and bring me what I ask… like the check.”

The waiter looks confused and walks away. Instead of bringing the check, he brings the manager.

Manager: “I’m told you don’t want to tip tonight? Is there an issue I can discuss with you?”

Me: “What?! No! I definitely want to tip! I’m simply asking that we can pay our check now. We have a movie to catch, and we’re pressed for time.”

Manager: “I don’t know if you’ve been to many restaurants, but how it usually works is that you pay for the meal after you’ve eaten it. Trying to pay now and get out of tipping is quite rude of you, and—”

Me: “—Are any of you listening? At what point did I ever mention that I wouldn’t tip?! I pretty much always tip, but that’s looking less likely the longer we have this conversation.”

Manager: “So you are threatening to not tip?”

Grandma: *Having had enough.* “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Just get us to-go boxes! We’ll eat this on the bench outside!”

Manager: “That isn’t normal to—”

Grandma: “—You’re the manager, yes? Then go and manage! Bring us to-go boxes and the check. I get one night out with my granddaughter every few months, and I will not have it ruined by a manager who couldn’t manage a fart without s***ting themselves. Boxes. Check. Now.”

The manager looks livid, but seems to be as happy to be as rid of us as we are of this place, and gets the waiter to bring what we ask. I have to ask them to bring plastic cutlery too, and when I pay I still tip, albeit 10% instead of my usual 20% because of all of the above. 

The food was actually good, and the movie was great, so the night was a lot of fun despite how weirdly it started.

Also, never f*** with grandmas!