Got You By The Footballs

| Romantic | April 15, 2014

(My girlfriend is German, and moved to the UK to study at one of the more prestigious universities. She, my friend, and I are watching the football: a German team versus an English one.)

Friend: “Come on, pass to [Player]! Pass to— NO!”

Me: “Godd*** it, [Player]!”

Girlfriend: *cackles evilly* “Yes, that’s right. Make all the wrong moves. Lose to [German team].”

Friend: *condescendingly* “Are you even interested in football?”

(She says nothing, just stares him down. He looks away, embarrassed. Later in the game…)

Girlfriend: “Yes, pass to [Player]. Pass it now. NOW! Idiot! You missed your opportunity! Wait… Yes, go! GO! Hurry up. Go faster. No, don’t let that motherf***** take it! No! Yes, son, keep going! GO! IT’S AN OPEN GOAL! SHOO— WHAT THE F***?! HOW THE F*** DID YOU MISS THAT?! IT WAS AN OPEN F***ING GOAL!”

(She starts to shout and swear in German, then gets up, leaves the room and slams the door, still swearing profusely.)

Me: “Yeah… She’s interested in football.”

Girlfriend: *from behind the door* “AND YOU CAN SHUT THE F*** UP!”

(The final score was 1-1.)

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