Good Thing Stupid Isn’t Contagious

(I work in an ObGyn office in lab follow up. I have the unfortunate job of calling patients for positive STD results.)

Me: “Hello, may I speak to [Patient]?”

Patient: “This is her.”

Me: “I’m from Dr. [Name]’s office . Before we proceed, I need to verify I am speaking with the patient. Can you verify this information?”

(The patient proceeds to answer all verifying personal info.)

Me: “I am calling about your test results. Your results for [STD] have come back positive. It is a common infection that can easily be treated by this antibiotic. Is there a pharmacy you would prefer it be called into?”

Patient: “WTF?! YOUR TEST LIES! I know for a fact I can’t have this infection! You guys gave me birth control pills!”

Me: “I understand that this can be a very hard news to hear, but you have tested positive and we need to treat you. When we give you birth control, we make it a point to let you know it will not protect you from STDs.”

Patient: “Oh, I guess I missed that part. Does this mean he gave me diabetes, too?”

Me: “No, diabetes is not sexually transmitted.”

Patient: “I’m going to go see my regular doctor and get tested for it just in case.”