Going From A Virgin To A Bloody Mary

(As a part-time job, during school, I work in a call centre in Montreal, Canada. We offer medical appointment software and managing for medical clinics. Most of our clients are doctors or medical clinic workers. Because of the name of the company, people mistakenly call us thinking we offer medical advice on the phone. The government has something called INFO-HEALTH who does that.)

Me: “Welcome to [Company]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I think I f***** up.”

Me: “Okay, go ahead; I am listening.”

Caller: “Okay, and believe me, this is not a joke.” *I actually hear someone groaning in pain behind him and have a feeling this is NOT a joke* “My name is [Caller]. I’m 16 years old. My girlfriend and I just tried having sex for the first time, and I think I went too hard on her. Her hip seems to be broken; she can’t move. What can I do?”

Me: “I would recommend that you call 911 right away and have EMTs bring her to the hospital.”

Caller: “Okay, but isn’t there something you think I can give her to ease the pain?”

Me: “I am really sorry, but since I am not a trained medical technician, there is no medical advice I can give you. What we do here is offer medical software managing for clinics. I believe you mistook us for INFO-HEALTH.”

Caller: “Didn’t I just call INFO-HEALTH?”

Me: “No, sir, you’ve reached [Company]. If you want to reach INFO-HEALTH to get some info, the number is [number].”

Caller: “Okay, but in the meantime, have you ever experienced something like this? What would you do?”

Me: “Again, there is no medical advice that I can give you, but honestly, I would personally recommend that next time, you go a little gentler on your girlfriend. And again, right now I strongly advise that you hang up and call 911 right away; your girlfriend really seems to be in pain.”

Caller: “You really can’t do anything?”

Me: “Yes, I can tell you again to call 911!”

Caller: “You’re a f****** useless piece of junk. Never mind! I’ll call 911.” *click*

(After exploding in laughter, I submitted this to our “Funniest Calls” list, which we play every year during our Christmas get-together, and I won the contest by a landslide.)