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Going UK-amehameha

, , , , , , , , | Working | CREDIT: ArtfulMortician | September 29, 2022

I am a twenty-something British-American male living in a very southern and undereducated part of the US. I have been here for a while now, and generally, when I tell people where I am from, I get a little push-back because I don’t really have as thick of an accent anymore.

I work in a small office. We have a rolling line of temps that come and go. Most of them are barely high school graduates or people with very little in the way of worldly experience.

One day, they bring the usual parade of new hires around and I do my introduction

Me: “Hi, I am [My Name]. I am one of the recruiters here at [Company]. I am married with two dogs, and I am originally from the UK.”

Normally, this is just a throwaway line that I use as an icebreaker, and it normally rolls right off. Then, this one wonderful young woman pipes up.

New Hire: “Um, you don’t sound Bri-ish.”

She, of course, leaves out the T very purposefully.

Me: “Sorry, love, forgot the coat and tails at home.”

…I say as I drink my Twinings.

The group kind of laughs it off and I figure it is a pretty open-and-shut deal.

NOPE.

A couple of days later, word gets around that [New Hire] has been telling a bunch of people that I’m not British and that I’m “lying for clout”. She says that I don’t even sound British and that she is dating a British guy and “knows how they act.”

So, rather than be a mature adult, I do the very British thing of Malicious Compliance.

I need an intern to bring me some tea?

Me: “Would you mind climbing the apple and pears and pouring me a cup of Rosy Lee?”

I start wearing three-piece suits, a pocket watch, and a monocle I found at a thrift shop. I go Super-Saiyan 3 British.

Obviously, about three hours into the first day, my boss wants to know what is up. I tell her and she finds it so hilarious that she assigns [New Hire] to me for the rest of the day. I keep using odd British rhyming phrases and sayings, and she keeps asking me to “speak normal”.

Me: “But I thought you know how us British people act.”

She quickly realized her error, and we’ve been cordial ever since.

Nowadays, I keep my old red passport in my desk drawer just in case someone pulls that stunt again.

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