Going Off On Those Going Off The Menu

(This pub restaurant is part of a country-wide chain and each has an identical menu. We therefore only have certain ingredients in our kitchens and never stock ingredients that aren’t on the menu. We also never have extra staff to save money on wages. I am serving a table with four adults and two children.)

Customer: “Hi. I’d like the children’s fish and chips, but could I swap the peas for beans, please?”

Me: “I’m sorry but we don’t have beans. Only garden peas, mushy peas, mixed vegetables which includes cabbage, carrots, and broccoli, or salad.”

Customer: “Oh, well, she doesn’t like green things, so could I have sweetcorn instead?”

Me: “I’m afraid we don’t have sweetcorn either. Does she like carrots? I could take out the cabbage and broccoli from the mixed vegetables, if that helps.”

Customer: “Hmm. Well are you sure you don’t have baked beans? Isn’t there a tin in the back somewhere that you could get?”

Me: “Very sure. As beans are not currently a menu item at [Chain Restaurant], I’m afraid we don’t stock them at all. Not even one tin.”

Customer: “Well couldn’t one of you just run out and get some? We’d wait.”

Me: “I’m sorry. I’m afraid we couldn’t. Even if we had enough staff for one of us to leave the restaurant, which we don’t, we have to purchase all of our stock from company suppliers.”

Customer: “Well, fine. She’ll have to have the carrots. I still think you could go out and get some beans or sweetcorn, though. It’s not that hard.”

(They all order and finish their main courses. I bring out dessert menus.)

Customer: “So, on the children’s menu I see the pudding options are chocolate brownie, ice cream, or jelly, right?”

Me: “Yes, that’s correct.”

Customer: “Well, could you maybe do some rice pudding for them instead? I can’t see it on the menu but maybe you could just pop out and get a tin?”

Me: *facepalm*