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Both Go Straight To Kidnap

, , , | Related | August 9, 2017

(My 49-year-old mother is living with a man neither of her daughters approve of. He has made horrible impressions on both of us, which only worsens when we learn that he is, A, still married, because, B, his wife is pressing charges of domestic violence and he’s, C, on bail waiting for the trial to start. My sister and I refuse to have anything to do with him and are basically waiting for Mom to realize she deserves better. I am hanging out at my sister’s apartment with her and a couple of her friends. We both get a text at the same time.)

Mom: “Girls, I think I’m pregnant! Have a doctor’s appointment next week to confirm.”

(My sister and I stare at each other in horror.)

Sister: “What if Mom has a baby?”

Me: “What if she has [Boyfriend]’s baby?”

(Mom can’t work and lives on a small disability income. Her boyfriend refuses to pay child support for the kids he has with his soon-to-be ex-wife.)

Sister: “…we have to kidnap that baby.”

Me: “I can’t think of anything better. Tell you what: you fake a pregnancy now and then I’ll raise my fake nephew-slash-real-brother.”

Sister: “I can’t do that to my boyfriend!”

Me: “Well, no-one’s going to believe [Wife] got me pregnant!”

Sister: “We need a better plan.”

Friend: “You really do.”

(Fortunately, my mom’s symptoms were early menopause, so we didn’t have to think of a genuine plan for rescuing our supposed baby sibling.)