Give Me Coffee Or Give Me Death

| | Right | August 18, 2008

Me: “What can I get you to drink, sir?”

Hospital patient: “Coffee.”

Me: “Well, it looks like you’re on a Cardiac diet, which means you can’t have caffeine.

Hospital patient: “You asked me what I wanted, and I want coffee.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, I can’t give it to you.”

Hospital patient: “This is ridiculous! I’ve been drinking coffee every morning for the last sixty years. I want my coffee!”

Me: “Sir. You are on a CARDIAC diet. That means that you can’t have caffeine, or extra sodium, or fat. It could make your condition worse.”

Hospital patient: *tries to pull a fast one* “My doctor told me I could have it.”

Me: “Well, your doctor needs to put it into our computer, otherwise I could lose my job.”

Hospital patient: “MY DOCTOR SAID I COULD HAVE IT!”

Me: “Sir, I know you’re lying. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be on this diet.”

Hospital patient: “GIVE ME THE F***ING COFFEE!”


Hospital patient: *sheepishly* “Can I have apple juice?”

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  • Trillium

    What is life without coffee, though, OP?
    Your need to set your damn priorities straight.
    No, I’m not kidding or being sarcastic.

  • KD

    On the cardiac floor that I worked on, we had this awesome stuff called “decaffeinated coffee” … which is what we gave to those who couldn’t have caffeine per MD order.

    • Ty Williams

      Isn’t there still some caffeine in the decaf? Maybe he’s not allowed ANY caffeine. At least, no more than what might be in the medication he receives.

      • KD

        it’s minimal – and was never of concern on the cardiac intensive care floor. The MD’s always OKed the decaff for the cardiac “no caffeine” diets.

  • Bonita Kale

    I’m with the guy. If he’s used to coffee, a cold-turkey end is going to be so hard.

    • Apologetic CheeseChomper

      You’re right, I thought the same thing. He sounds really desperate, so maybe they could ween him off it?
      But the ‘do you want to live’ part might indicate that he really is at risk RIGHT NOW, so he shouldn’t have anything that could make it worse.